Not for a Moment

I have always enjoyed attending Christian music concerts. Over the course of my life, I've enjoyed seeing such artists/groups as Petra and Carman (yes, I'm that old), Avalon, Newsong, Jump Five, FFH, Toby Mac, Audio Adrenaline, Rebecca St. James, Super Chic[k], Jeremy Camp, Casting Crowns, Mandisa, Tenth Avenue North, Matthew West, and most recently, Meredith Andrews.

Our dear friends, Dennis and Cathy, asked a few weeks ago if we'd like to see Andrews in concert. Although I only knew one of her songs, the price was right and the company always welcomed, so we made our plans.

Meredith Andrews looks like she's the girl next door--maybe 13 at most. On the short and petite size, she amazed me with the power in her voice. I don't know much about her vocal training or musical resume, but the woman has pipes.

But it was more than pipes. She had a testimony, a message to share; and it touched my soul.

She shared that God is with us through everything. He doesn't forsake us. He doesn't abandon us--not even for a moment. He knows the pieces of our puzzle and how to put them together. He is a strong God. You may say, "So what? Don't most Christian artists say something like that?"

I suppose that's true, but some artists seem bent on the performance aspect, but Andrews was all about the worship. She was in worship with each and every song, and she seemed to put her arm around me--around us--and encouraged me to worship, too. It was a bit of manna in the desert.

God, don't stop carrying us...not for a moment.

Peace,
k.

Life is messy...

Let's just cut to the chase: Life is messy.

At best.

And I am a human, so I become upset at what I perceive to be unjust. 

Then, I get a gentle nudge from God that reminds me, "Hey, Karen...who's in charge here?"

My response varies...I may yell, "YOU ARE, BUT WHEN IS ALL THIS BAD STUFF GOING TO STOP? I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT JEREMIAH 29:11 WHERE YOU HAVE ALL THESE GREAT PLANS???" Or I might whimper, "Why?" I may say nothing, closing my eyes and crossing my arms in front of me as if to say, "I don't want to hear it. I'm not ready to accept it."  Sometimes I sigh and whisper, "I just don't get it" and sometimes I might add, "but I'll trust that You know best."

Have I mentioned how REALLY human I am? Don't put me on a pedestal for ANY reason because I'm going to fall (or jump) off. 

In the past two weeks, I've witnessed and cried over intense pain.  Our family's dealings with my mom's and brother's health concerns. People living with depression/anxiety. Kids grappling with issues that kids should just NEVER have to think about. Those coping with divorce. Friends who have been unjustly accused.  People wondering if life is worth living anymore.

When pain in my own life has been intense and prolonged--and I just couldn't think straight through the stress--there is a Bible verse that came back, again and again.

Isaiah 43:2-3a
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...

I am no theologian. I don't know any Greek except for a few Greek letters from my college days. But I do see a key (repeated) word: WHEN. We aren't going to escape pain in this life because we love God, believe in Jesus, or profess to be a Christian.  I don't know why we have to endure pain, whether it's physical, emotional, mental, or a combo deal, but the promise is repeated several times.  (this doesn't mean that Isaiah needed a better proofreader...the repetition was built in to show the readers how important the concept was...learned that from a very good Disciple Bible Study teacher!) That promise is that God will be with us. We're not going to drown, even if the waters are up to our very nostril hairs. We're not going to be swept away by rushing waters, even if we're hanging on with our last fingernail.  We aren't going to be charred to smithereens, even if it feels we're about to be thrown from the frying pan and into the fire. Oh, don't get me wrong. It surely feels that way sometimes. I know--trust me. But God isn't in a corner laughing at us. He's not busy elsewhere doing God-duties. He's WITH us.

This reminds me of what I envision to be a really good friend.  One that will just be there for you when you cry, scream, rant, snort, or pull out your hairs--one by one--from your skull. That good friend will be the one who hands you the box of kleenex or asks if you need a bottle of water. That good friend will be the one to say, "I got your back."  That good friend will see the ashes heaped on your head...and take a scoop to put on his own head. A good friend is WITH you through it all...the near-drowning, the near-sweeping away, the near-burning...

Some days, knowing God is WITH us may not be that much comfort because we are so desperate for relief from our issues. However, over time, we can sense that God's presence is, in fact, what gets us through those rising waters and blazing flames.

God, draw us near, carry us through because life is messy.

Peace,
k.

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago, I wanted the following things:
* a new car
* my kids to breeze through school
* a certain amount of income
* an ideal weight

It seemed that all of my friends had all or most of these items, so I wanted them, too. Oh, I definitely could justify everything on the list.

* a new car--you know, just once in my life! The only new car I had, Wayne bought just prior to our wedding, so I didn't choose it. I would sit in a friend's brand new ride--complete with heated seats, separate air temp controls, ALL the amenities--and just wish I could have that rather than a used vehicle, complete with worn places on the seats or scratches in various places.

*  my kids to breeze through school--you know, I pretty much did, so why shouldn't they be able to do the same? To do well in school would mean good scholarships, a lucrative but fulfilling career, some security for them and their families.  I just wished for them to have an easy time rather than having to re-teach one kid math every night, proofreading God only knows how many essays and research papers, and discovering that our autistic child (who came later in life) would probably always struggle with reading comprehension and social situations.

*  a certain amount of income --you know, so we just wouldn't have to struggle anymore. From the moment we married, money was always tight and that associated anxiety was getting tiresome. I just wished I had that certain amount rather than the scraping, planning, and denying that was par for the course.

* an ideal weight -- you know, because after my children were hitting upper elementary school, I should be able to lose the weight because I had a more regular schedule, the kids could be left alone while I exercised and such.  I just wished I could zoom to that weight quickly and without too much effort rather than looking at a mini muffin and gaining 5 pounds just by looking.

Here I am, 10 years later, and I laugh at what I wanted then.

* a new car? At least with used vehicles, we never owed more than the car was worth, and if the kids made a mess or we ruined something, it wasn't so devastating. I doubt that anyone was ever tempted to steal our vehicles, either!  Kristen began to name our vehicles, and somehow, that endeared them to us, even if they were "problem cars."  Since she began naming them, we've had Bonnie (Bonneville), Sheldon (Concorde...it can be temperamental, like Sheldon from BIG BANG THEORY),  The Man Car (The men of the family could do whatever they wanted in/to it--but it was given to us when we desperately needed a vehicle!), Ronnie (Rendezvous), Alfred (sleek and black...somehow Kristen thought of Alfred from BATMAN fame), and Bane (a Saturn).

*  my kids to breeze through school? Kristen had to work very hard in school to get the grades that she earned. Math was especially hard, but she took 4 years of it in high school to earn an academic honors diploma. College is not easy for her, but she has learned a lot about life (some professors don't care and won't help...sometimes you have to be proactive and be your own advocate...finding friends who can help you...not waiting until the last minute to do things...), and I wouldn't want to take that away from her. Nick earns solid grades, but he also has to work hard in some areas.  Ryan has to work extra hard--as do we as parents--just to keep up with his peers. I don't know what next year or the next ten years will bring, but this kid has a great attitude right now. When he learns, his face lights up--and the whole family feels the pride in his success.  Even though we're tired most nights, to hear him read to us, to hear him use new vocabulary, to see him make progress just thrills us. We're all closer as a result.

* a certain amount of income?  My perspective on money changed when we had to live the past two years on 1/2 of our income. We had groceries, I learned to stretch our money better, we ate out rarely, and we learned to savor and enjoy special treats.  We had a roof over our heads and the utilities were on...gas in the vehicles...basic phones to communicate. At first, I was scared about not having the income I was used to...then I became resentful that it was virtually impossible for Wayne to find full time employment...then I looked around and realized that God was providing us with the necessities. There were several times there was really no food in the frig or the pantry and it was still a few days until my paycheck would come...and someone would bring us a grocery store gift card, or someone brought us freezer beef, or my mom would cart in a homemade meal, still warm. Luck? I don't think so. It was God's provision in the hard times.  I don't mind what other people have now--it's their decision and their responsibility.  I just know that I'm a lot more interested in my family now than in my house, my furniture, my stuff.

* an ideal weight?  Of course, we all want to be the ideal weight, right now, with as little work as possible. It's just not going to happen for most of us, and last June I decided to make some changes. Nothing had worked for years...I just steadily gained weight.  Once I accepted that this process was going to take a while and that there would be periods of plateaus and periods of progress--that the weight didn't come on overnight nor would I take it off overnight--I've had a much better outlook on the process.  Not too long ago, an aunt asked me about my new diet. I told her, "It's not a diet. It's a new way to live." I've lost 23 pounds and am so proud of myself...but I still have another 40 to lose to be at my ideal weight. I love the way I feel now, and I want to keep this up so that I can be a healthier mom, wife, teacher, and friend.  This hasn't been easy, but I'm doing it the right way--and hopefully that will mean I'll maintain once I get to the goal weight.

As so many reflect on the past year and make resolutions/goals for the next, I've decided I'm not going to wish my life would be different.  Somehow, always wishing/wanting/hoping/praying for situations to be different didn't make them different--it just kept me unsatisfied.  For 2013, I pray God will help me to be satisfied and thankful for all I do have--to see the positives of every situation, even if the situation really doesn't seem that positive on the surface.

What I Want to Be

A few weeks ago, Ryan told me that he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up.

"What's that?" I asked.

"A math teacher. I want to help like you do, but I don't want to teach reading like you. Because I don't like reading as much as math."

"Ryan, you really want to be a teacher? That's awesome! We always need to have good teachers. What grade?"

"Well, probably kindergarten because THAT math is really easy."

I had to smile. Ryan hears us talk with Kristen about college and career plans, and we have recently started talking with Nick about college preparation and what career aspirations he has.

Ryan just wanted in on it. :)

But that short conversation had me thinking a lot about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm nearly 46. I've taught for 23 1/2 years. Have I enjoyed it? Overall, a definite yes. Any career will have its challenges, but most days, I'm very happy that I became an educator.

However, many students could care less if I have material to impart or not. When I come across students who REALLY want to learn, who want to use AND DO use me as a resource for additional learning, I'm in heaven. I had the opportunity to help some teachers one-on-one in learning some new technology. They WANTED to learn. I had the best time feeling that I was using my full potential--I was giving what I had, and others were receiving and utilizing it.

Not too long after my conversation with Ryan, I asked God what He wanted me to be when I grew up. Yes, I know it sounds like maybe I'm a little late in asking that, but with Wayne making a career change to full time pastoral ministry, and accepting the reality that we might have to move at some point to follow that call, I decided it best to ask God the question. 

This is where another thread in my life converges: In every church we've attended, the question is always, "How do we get more young people and families to come?"  I've learned a lot through experience...marketing, social media, relationship-building, and even coffee 101. I've read several books--the most recent being THE MILLENNIALS by Thom and Jess Rainer. I've seen what growing churches are doing, and see what churches that aren't growing are doing...

...and I want to be someone who can help.

By using my education background, pursuing a master's in youth/family ministry (to begin this fall), and merging in all of the research and best practices of both schools and churches, I want to be someone who helps people grow, groups grow, and/or churches grow.

I shared this with a friend the other day. She told me that Wayne and I would pack a powerful punch with what we had to offer.  I pray that is the case.

LUNCH

Today I had lunch with a high school friend, Cheryl.

Two hours slipped away quickly as we caught up with each other...our kids' activities, our own jobs and futures, our parents and their health/dispositions. Our salads didn't last nearly as long as the conversation, and had we had more time, I think we could've sat there all day.

That's a true friend. Someone you can immediately pick up a conversation with, no matter how long it has been since the last conversation. Someone who listens and inquires but doesn't poke or prod too much. Someone who is open if you have something on your mind. Someone who willingly shares her own concerns and questions. Someone who doesn't laugh at what you now do, your new direction, your new ideas or inspirations.

Someone who says--with or without words--"I've been here and will continue to be here for you."

What a blessing to have people like this in our lives!

Lucky

Yes, I was on hiatus.

If you know why, then you know.
If you don't know why, let's just say I'm in a different phase of life now and we can all go on...

Tonight I was relaxing and wanted to watch a little tv, but nothing "good" was on. (meaning Food Network) I turned on HGTV and found an episode of LOVE IT OR LIST IT and then watched a couple of rounds of HOUSE HUNTERS.

I guess I have no taste, no style, and no life. People were critiquing homes and saying they would have to gut this, they couldn't live with that, or oh my gosh--how ugly and dated is that.

I thought the homes looked wonderful -- nothing had been damaged by wind, flood, or fire. All of the homes featured had twice the square footage that we have. And I'm sure someone would argue with me, but I feel that requiring 3-4 bathrooms for 3-4 people seems a bit much.

As we get closer to Thanksgiving, I wonder if we really know how lucky we are compared to the majority of people on this earth.

k.

The power of God truly amazes me.

Mom had a stroke almost two weeks ago. Throughout the entire time she was in the hospital, God provided tremendous peace. However, after Mom had been there for about 4 days, I had my breakdown in private. I don't know why, but I was very much concerned about the future, even though her improvement was fantastic.

When we went to church that Sunday, the last song of the service was "Because He Lives," one of my old-time favs. As we sang the last verse, tears streamed and I could feel my face become flaming hot. I could NOT sing.  I could NOT look at Wayne, nor could I look at the kids. I could NOT breathe, actually...

God said, "Karen, it will be okay if your mom is with Me, and it will be okay if she's with you because Jesus lives and is your Savior."

That's it. God knew that right then I didn't need a lecture or a theological dissertation, but he SURE DID know that I needed a reminder--a loving one--that no matter what happens in my life, He is holding the future.