I've been sharing some Bible study time this summer with a friend. At first, I was reluctant to make the commitment, but then I decided it was really something that I needed. Too often I'm asked--or I volunteer--to be the teacher. After several weeks of discussion, Bible reading, reflecting, and praying, I realize that it has been good for me to be the student.

Although our overall topic has been "peace," tonight I think we agreed what we're both working on in our lives: letting go of what we want or what we think is best and letting God be God.

That may sound easy to some people, but it's not for a recovering control freak.

Today at church we sang a song with the line, "May my lifesong sing to You" and it really choked me up. I really want my life to be in tune with God's plan, and I think I'm finally ready to accept what He has, even if I don't understand it all. And believe me, after being a Christian for the past 18 years, I do NOT have the answers. However, that acceptance, that willingness to allow God to work, is where peace can be found.

As I was logging in this morning, I saw that I have 14 followers.

Does that sound a little creepy to you? :)

"Following" is a mixed bag. Parents want their kids to follow directions, and we all sigh in relief when our kids do what other kids do...play at the park, participate in sports, obey the rules, and such. BUT, we also want our kids to think independently, to question the status quo, to stand against what the "world" says is acceptable or even desirable.

I am not always good at following God's lead. I want what I want when I want it.

There. I said it.

But you know, a lot has happened in our lives in the past six months. The only way we have survived is to follow God's lead. And the closeness of TRULY following God, letting Him have the wheel, has provided a peace we've not had in a long time.

A friend asked me this week if I have been happy in my career as a teacher.

At first, I was worried that I had been complaining too much about the job...but that's not the reason she asked.

She's a pharmacist. I'm a teacher. We've known each other for over 25 years. We've talked about everything there is to possibly talk about. I knew her question was a serious one.

I told her that, although I have days that try my soul (usually at the hands of state legislation or administrative issues more than anything else), I couldn't imagine having become anything else. I still work hard to see the "a ha" in a student's face, and I still love to see the improvement of all types of students. Even though I'm getting older, have a little less energy, and have a few (okay, a LOT) more gray hairs, I still look forward to school, still enjoy the students, and still love sharing their success in English/school/sports/life.

I could've become a pharmacist. In fact, in those first few years after college when my friend was making a lot more money than I was, I went through a period of regret about my career choice. As time has passed, though, I have realized that God had a plan for me, and North Newton Jr.-Sr. High School is where it's been happening.

k.

School is right around the corner.

So...where in the world is my energy?

I'm taking 5000% (that's really not hyperbole) of the B vitamins, but I still do not have the drive and desire to get back into the education saddle! There are so many new tasks and catch-up tasks to think about...so I think that maybe if I set aside a couple of hours a day to work on the "to do" list, maybe I can get into a groove.

When I was taking a shower, I accidentally bumped Kristen's razor off the ledge and onto the bottom of the tub. I bent over, picked up the razor, and returned it to its spot.

Then I realized: I hadn't moved like that, pain free, in almost three weeks.

Pain has an amazing ability to get our attention. Suddenly we're willing to do what the doctor tells us, we're willing to listen, we're praying for the pain to subside.

But what happens when the pain subsides or disappears?

It's easy to go back to life as usual, isn't it?

Today, though, I tried to appreciate all the things I could do that I couldn't before...bending to pick something up, getting in and out of chairs with ease, sitting on the porch swing, bending over the sink to work with fresh produce. It was good to think about the positives.

Kristen got a few more things for college today--all of the products-that-you-need-that-you-don't-think-about-until-you-realize-you're-going-to-be-gone-a-long-time kind of products. You know, first aid supplies, detergent, spot remover, sunscreen, and such.

She also has purchased a purple leather (that is SO Kristen) NIV Bible to carry in her backpack.

When I went to college, I thought it was an opportunity to take a break from God and all the things my family made me do in church. I could finally sleep in on Sundays. Ironically, God had other plans allllll the way back then. I was blessed with a roommate who didn't just talk the talk, but walked the walk. Our first day, she asked if I wanted to go church exploring with her, and that led to a friendship we've had for nearly 30 years...and it kept me focused on God in college.

Kristen already is more connected to campus ministry than I ever was--I'm so happy for all the opportunities that the University of Indianapolis can offer her!

It's interesting...how many times have you KNOWN you should do something but said you just didn't have the time? Was it really because you didn't have the time? Did you just not see it as a priority?

Of course, there's no reason for me to use second person. I've done it a million times, so I should have used first person.

Yesterday, Ryan told us he wanted a new bike. I told him that as soon as he learned to tie his own shoes that we would look for a bike. Part of Ryan's special needs makes small motor skills more difficult, and he has put this childhood task off saying "It's too hard." Picking and choosing my battles, I haven't pushed until now.

He tried to negotiate. Mom won. We would look for a bike when he could complete the task.

So do you know what that booger did? He scrunched up his face, worked as hard as he could, asked us to remind him of the steps...he was bound and determined to figure it out in 5 minutes. He did get partway through and teared up because he started having problems. He told me that he was mad, that he wasn't going to go to school, that he WAS going to school but Dad could tie his shoes everyday, and why did he have to learn THIS?

I'm confident that he'll have this down in a just a few days because now it's a priority. Now he wants to complete the task so that he can get a new bike. What is my priority? What have I put off because it was too hard? What did I ignore because it wasn't important to me at the time?

When I would take high schoolers to Senior High Institute (church camp), I was always asked to "do something." Most of the time I led a peer response group because when the organizers heard I was a teacher, they thought that was the natural place for me. We would debrief whatever the keynoter had to say, discuss Biblical questions the kids had, and play some games.

Campers also chose an elective class to take...topics like euchre, chalk art, and ultimate frisbee were popular. One year Wayne went with me to camp, and we had to figure out if he would lead one of these elective classes. People were free to offer new ideas for groups, so Wayne came up with "Front Porch Sittin'."

His idea wasn't chosen.

BUT, it was a great idea.

Our cabin had a big cement stoop that was large enough to accommodate a lot of lawn chairs. We'd sit out there in the cool of the evening and talk, laugh, sing...whatever. It became such a popular thing to do that our campers could be seen on the front porch at just about any time of day or night.

There is genius in front porch sittin'. Not only do you sit, but you think, reflect, share...whatever is best for the situation. You are forced to slow down, to watch the nature around you, and to interact with the others who are also front porch sittin'.

Our front porch at home has a traditional wooden 2-seater swing. Lately, Wayne and I have been front porch sittin'. Sometimes together. Sometimes alone. It's been a welcome respite to the tv, computer, and house chores. Now if I could just convince the school to install a swing (okay, AND a front porch) outside my room, I think I'd be much more relaxed...

I've had a couple of people ask me how I've been able to handle the big changes in our lives.

The first thing that comes to mind is, "Am I really handling it?" I mean, I have used a lot of kleenex in the past couple of months...someone asked me once if I was being bothered by allergies when I had to admit that no, I'd been crying.

I can explain this only by going back and telling you that whenever I wondered if God wanted me to do something different or what the timing should be on specific actions, I would ask for a billboard-- a big fat sign to tell me what to do and when. I can't say that the billboard concept has been very effective for me, but that's what my prayers would include...make it clear to me, God.

This week, God didn't use a billboard. He was a very presence at my elbow, whispering and pointing to what I needed to know and what I needed to do. Nothing complicated. No James Earl Jones voice. Just a whisper on the breeze. With that presence came the realization that these changes aren't just Wayne's that I will support. These changes include me; I have a specific role to play. It's a family calling, and I recognize that now.

Why don't I fight it and do what I want? Hey, I've done that before. The results are always disastrous. I'm not into any additional crisis in my life, thank you very much.

I think I'm going to stop praying for billboards and begin praying for my eyes to be open to God's presence next to me. Hopefully, I won't go through as much kleenex..

My pastor asked me if I had seen any of the episodes of "Extreme Chef" on Food Network. I had to admit that I had.

I have to wonder who's crazier...the chefs for agreeing to cook under the crazy conditions that the producers create...or me for actually watching it.

So many people are looking for the next show, artist, or fad that pushes all the envelopes. Something to turn people's heads. Something that others haven't seen before.

But all they have to do is look at the life of Jesus and to emulate him. Loving people unconditionally? Offering hope and life to others when the world would push us to the edge of our limits physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially? Jesus pushed the envelope and turned people's heads. If people were to strive to be more like him, that would be pretty extreme!

I've had a very busy three weeks since school let out. Kristen's graduation, her open house, a graduate class, a wedding, a church dinner...and now, let it be proclaimed on July 5th of 2011, my summer can begin.

The problem with that is that growing up in a family (extended) of many teachers, we tended to view July 4th as the halfway point--that it was time to start thinking about school, lesson plans, changes to be made, and so on. Of course, we got out of school the week before Memorial Day back then and now I'm lucky if I'm out before the second week of June...

Sooooo, I've had to adjust my thinking. We're going on a short vacation in two weeks. I'm going to do family and house things until then and worry about school on July 25th. Often, I do not adjust very well to ... adjustments. I like things the way they are and don't always see the benefit(s) of change. However, someone has been working on me about that...

k.