I've been told that allergens/pollens actually have a "stickery" appearance. The allergen gets into the nasal passage and gets "stuck," causing much irritation.

I don't really know if all that is accurate, but I do know that my ragweed allergy has been particular tenacious already.


I imagine that there are millions of these stickery-looking microorganisms stuck in my nose, my throat, my ears, my eyes. Hand me more Zyrtec, please. I will do just about anything in my power to get rid of the irritation--OTC medication, eye drops, natural supplements, roll Qtips in my ears to itch inside...Sometimes all I can think about is the swollen feel of my eyes or the intense need to rub my nose.

There's been a lot of other irritation in my life. I'm going to have to be equally tenacious in ridding my thoughts of the negative "stickery" feelings that just want to ...well...stick in my heart and mind. And that's definitely not very easy most of the time.

Yesterday I found out that our good friend lost his job. Let's just say that this wasn't his idea, nor was it good timing.

I felt so bad for his wife. All I kept thinking and praying was that they would have peace of mind through the whole situation. I know when we were going through this a few months ago that it was only the power of prayer that kept me sane. There wasn't much more I could offer, but I wanted to be there, even if just to sit with them and let them talk.

I remember people just letting me blab on and on--day, night--it didn't matter to my friends. So, I managed to convince her to let me drop by and sit on the back porch with her. She said, "I probably won't be very good company."

I told her, "We're not company. We're friends."

She talked. She teared up. She did all the things that I did. And it ripped up my heart. Again.

I wish more people could've seen what I saw today.

Wolcott UMC has a monthly food giveaway called "Bountiful Blessings." Essentially, anyone can come one Saturday a month and get free food that includes staples, meat, beverages, bread, eggs, etc. No questions. No forms.

Today was only my second time in attendance. Last month I monitored the bread area, but today I had to fill Wayne's shoes because he was at a training event in Indianapolis.

His job is to mingle with those who are waiting, pass out Angel Food forms (we also have that ministry going on in another part of the church), and dismiss people pew by pew to get their food.

I wasn't really prepared for what I saw.

I counted 90 people who participated today. First of all, we typically have 30-35 people in Sunday worship, so seeing 90 people fill up most of the sanctuary surprised me. Most of them had been waiting at least an hour--some, two hours--for this food. What still persists in my memory tonight, though, is eyes. People's eyes.

Many people would not make eye contact with me at first. Some obviously felt awkward, and others looked sad. A few smiled, but most just looked off and away.

I did know a few people, so I started there with some conversations. A few people asked me questions. I handed out Angel Food forms. I asked some kids about school and if they had any homework yet.

Before the actual distribution began, the director gave some announcements, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to three people in the crowd. Since Wayne wasn't there, Amy asked everyone to recite the Lord's Prayer.

She gave them the page number in the hymnal, but we didn't see anyone reach for one. The prayer was strong. Loud. I smiled.

It was then time to dismiss the people pew by pew. At this point, I had the opportunity to make eye contact with everyone and say a few words. The eyes didn't look quite so distant. Most even looked at me and smiled.

As people made their way through the line and out the doors to their vehicles, MANY thanked me. "Thank you for making this available to my family" helped make that awkward spot in my heart feel a little less awkward today.

Being called a pastor's wife or preacher's wife is weird, still. Those eyes, though...those eyes could make that feeling pass more quickly than I thought possible.

As I was driving to school today, I asked God why I've continued to struggle on and off the past few months in trusting Him. I mean, He knows it, so I said it: I'm getting tired of trusting. I just want You to fix our lives. (sooner rather than later would be a plus.)

It dawned on me, though. What real struggles have I had to deal with in my life? Honestly, not that much. I've been blessed beyond measure. The things I used to think were major obstacles/struggles, weren't that big of a deal...really.

To survive, I have to look for the positives wherever I can find them. The coolness of the day, the smile of a student, something broken...fixed, technology that allows me to see and talk to Kristen whenever I want, a flavorful peach.

Did I used to think such basics were blessings? If I didn't, I have been lately.

I feel that I'm living blessing to blessing (like paycheck to paycheck?). When I recognize a blessing, I try to really appreciate it as long as possible because something or someone will come along to try to ruin my mindset.

You'd think that age 44 I would no longer be nervous or excited about the first day of school. I had 17 "first days of school" in my formal education, and I guess counting the first couple of years of teaching would be appropriate.

Then why do I still get the butterflies?

I mean, I know what I'm going to do, I know what I'm going to say, I know how I'll respond to certain questions, I know the posture and even the pattern of walking around the room.

I guess it's because I still care. :)

Feeling a little weird. Off.

We were pretty much exhausted from Friday's college trek. Kristen was settled in under 2 hours. Her roommate is a sweetheart...we don't know about a third roommate yet, since the girl who was slated to be there decided not to attend. (The girls would like the extra space, but we doubt that they're going to get to keep it a double, so...)

I slept okay, but Kristen texted this morning to say that she didn't. How much of that was a twinge of homesickness, getting used to a new bed/environment, and/or the virus she's getting over is hard to tell. We got up, delivered Nick to band, readied Ryan for the day, attended a "welcome to the district" pastor family picnic and had a very nice time, drove through some torrential rain, took naps, woke up.

Still weird. Still off.

Nick met his girlfriend for supper, and we played with Ryan. I read a few chapters in a book. Did some laundry and dishes. Wayne commented that he didn't realize how much stuff in the house was Kristen's!

Right now I realize that Kristen, though a fantastic help to me from chauffeuring to cooking, adds a lot of fun to the house. I had just commented the other day that I didn't know when she developed the ability to do voices, accents, and impressions, but she has a personality that lights up a room.

We took pictures around campus so Ryan could look at them and see where Kristen is. He's still a bit confused as to why she doesn't come home at night to sleep in her room, but seeing a picture of her in her bunkbed made him smile.

Kristen texted me not too long ago. Already hanging with new friends at another dorm :) Ah, I remember those days. Wouldn't trade them for the world...and she won't, either.

So, for the next month, it's Mom vs. Men. Pray for me. :)

It was time for a new look. When I began blogging a couple of years ago, I'm sure there were only a few template choices. The ones available now are quite varied and fun!

Today we're getting Kristen ready for college. I mean, REALLY ready this time. Today we start the packing process.

The other "readies" have been...purchasing the technology that she needs, purchasing bedding that I guess fits only college dorm beds, figuring out how to order textbooks, having final discussions with the accounting office, and figuring out what is going and what is staying.

What I'm not ready for...Kristen being somewhere else most of the year.

I'm thankful for texting, emailing, and Skype!

Ryan asked her the other night, "What IS college, anyway?" She told him.

He said, "Well, why do you have to do THAT?"

This time of year, it's all about being ready. New school supplies, new gym shoes, lunch money. My readiness plans this fall will involve leaning more on God...and that Kristen will be doing the same.

Yesterday was our last Sunday at Brushwood UMC, where I have attended my entire life and Wayne has attended since he was a teenager. In fact, we met in the high school Sunday School class taught by Alice Tomlinson. I remember walking into the class--I was a freshman--and seeing Wayne there -- a senior.

And the first thing I heard him say?

Something to the effect that he had two different dates set up for the same night.

But it didn't take him too long to ditch those others (if they reaaaallllyyyy existed, ha.) and within a year we were dating.

Yesterday, I just lived in the moment. I enjoyed every jammin' song the worship team played, enjoyed seeing so many people there, enjoyed the words of both Rev. Kate Walker (Associate DS) and Pastor Darren, enjoyed the food and fellowship. Although I didn't cry, I did appreciate the tears of others.

Wayne, though, was more reflective. I asked him why he seemed a little emotional when reading and discussing his favorite scripture during the service when he hadn't been the emotional one through this period of transition. He said, "I realized it was the last worship service there. It was the last time I'll hear Darren preach...."

Notice, he didn't say it was the last meal we'd eat there. (We plan to be at the Chicken and Noodle Dinner in November!) :)

As he continued to reflect, I did a mental scan of our years there...and although the idea of separation is still a little tender, there really is one predominant theme.

God had us doing tons of ministry, whether youth group, Sunday School, music, Trough, Vacation Bible School, Angel Food, special needs adults, Family Fun Night, administrative committees, public relations, for one purpose: to send us on this next leg of our journey already (somewhat) prepared. We've been through the best of all possible times, and we've been through the worst. God's not planning to waste those experiences on memory. He's going to use those experiences to guide us in coloring a new canvas.

You've seen it before. A single grocery cart or bin at a store with a somewhat messy, poorly-scribbled sign: "Damaged--As Is." Most people do NOT look through the cart or bin. I've actually seen women scowl at such bins and almost race to get away as quickly as possible.

Do you notice the ones who do look at the damaged goods?

They're looking for something of value...a value that surpasses a dented can, a torn label, or even an passed "use by" date. They carefully look at each item and assess its value. When they find something, they smile and place the item in their own cart--it's theirs now...what a deal!

That's the way Jesus is. He knows our inner value, in spite of our outer dents, tears, or flaws. He carefully --even lovingly--pulls us out of the "Damaged" bin and places us in His cart and smiles.

When the world labels us as damaged goods, remember that Jesus sees the real value and potential in us.

My mom has always said that she can tell when I'm under stress because that's when I cook/bake a lot and try new recipes.

Today we're having pan-seared pork chops that will finish in a crockpot with a tasty sauce, sweet corn, watermelon, green bean casserole, and peach cobbler. I made a list of what I want to make tomorrow: Honeybun cake, sour cream coffee cake, and homemade pizza. :)

Stress may be part of the cooking factor, but for today, most of it is that this a day I don't mind standing over a hot stove. The day has been absolutely beautiful--76, low humidity--perfect. Delicious.

When we sit down for this yummy meal, as the flavor counterpoint melts on our palates, I'll be reminded of the counterpoint of emotions, situations, careers, and friends that have moved this week through the maze I call my mind.

I've tried several times tonight to write a blog entry---but I erased each attempt.

Even though I can't read the words on the page anymore, they're still in my memory.

It was a hard day, but I pray that a good night's sleep will prepare me for the challenges of tomorrow.

I'll never look at a fishbowl the same way again.

Poor fish. Limited in movement. Dependent on a provider of food, oxygen and poop removal. More than anything... a lack of privacy. Everyone can look, point, tap on the glass, laugh, make faces.

When I went on my Emmaus Walk weekend over ten years ago, Wayne bought Kristen and Nick two (huge) fish and put them in a little bitty bowl. When I walked in 72 hours later, the kids told me how much fun they were having staring into the sides of the bowl, making the fish appear larger and stranger than they already were!

I wondered...what distortion must the fish see when looking our direction? I wonder if the fish hears anything, or is the sound distorted, too?

When events occur that place us, whether we want them to or not, into the metaphorical fishbowl, I would advise all outside the fishbowl to keep in mind the element of distortion.

Have you ever composed an entire email-- a long one--only to accidentally press some stray button and lose the entire message?

That has happened to me on several occasions. The first time it happened, I was furious and tried to re-compose the message. However, I was so upset at the time that was wasted, I just quit.

Every time I've lost a message, I've been overly emotional--usually mad. I don't like the physical act of writing, but boy, I can sure type fast.

I wondered once, "Is God trying to send me a message? As in...don't send this message now?" This might not be good theology, but it kept me from being angry..and it kept me from typing more emotional emails.

SOOOOO, when I worked on my English 9 curriculum late last night and finished quarters 3 and 4, I saved quarter 3 and then worked on that same document, changing what needed changing for quarter 4...but I did not "save as" quarter 4. I saved quarter 4 as 3 and lost 3. I was furious and then depressed...that was a lot of work time wasted.

Can I tell the State of Indiana that I can't teach all that stuff in quarter 3 because I lost it? Maybe there was something about it (Shakespeare, Sophocles, and Homer) that God didn't like? :)

Maybe I am just too tired and hot to think straight?

I'm just being facetious, but I'm not going to re-work anything until next week.

Last night after worship team practice, we enjoyed a variety of desserts and I talked to the group about what I appreciated so much about each one of them. Three months ago when we decided that August 14th would be our last Sunday at the church we've been such a vested part of for many, many years, I thought that the last few practices and last few Sundays would be heartbreaking. I prayed that is wouldn't be.

God has answered that prayer.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last six weeks or so...Melody has chosen all of my favorites, Kristie has smiled in spite of the tears, Jodi is making progress on learning the piano duties, Darren has not cried (I'm impressed!) and he set up a fan for me, Donny has rocked the drums, and Phil has been able to make it a few times to rock the auxiliary percussion. Mel hasn't even been grouchy at me (you know how siblings can be)! Even at this dessert get-together, when I was sharing how important this group has been over the past six years or so, I was just filled with joy and peace. These people have given their talents to God because they love Him. These people love each other. These people want to see our church continue to grow.

After I was done yakking, the group gave me a card and gift. The gift was a frame with three picture openings, imprinted with this: "Friends...someone who knows the song in your HEART and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten it."

The top opening contains a picture of our group, and the bottom opening has a picture of me at the piano during a Trough evening.

But the middle spot took me by surprise. The emotion took me by surprise.

In the middle, Melody had placed an excerpt of my favorite contemporary Christian song:

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Immediately, my throat tensed up and tears came. They knew the reason that this song has been so important to me in the past six months. They knew enough to care to personalize a simple gift in such a meaningful way that it touched me to the core.

When I got home and showed Wayne the gift, I realized that the bottom picture of me preparing to play the piano contained something else. The music I was getting ready to play was "Blessed Be Your Name." For people who don't understand my love of music, this may seem like a coincidence. For me, it was a God moment.

And I knew that they would always be my friends as my family now turns to another God-given task.