Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago, I wanted the following things:
* a new car
* my kids to breeze through school
* a certain amount of income
* an ideal weight

It seemed that all of my friends had all or most of these items, so I wanted them, too. Oh, I definitely could justify everything on the list.

* a new car--you know, just once in my life! The only new car I had, Wayne bought just prior to our wedding, so I didn't choose it. I would sit in a friend's brand new ride--complete with heated seats, separate air temp controls, ALL the amenities--and just wish I could have that rather than a used vehicle, complete with worn places on the seats or scratches in various places.

*  my kids to breeze through school--you know, I pretty much did, so why shouldn't they be able to do the same? To do well in school would mean good scholarships, a lucrative but fulfilling career, some security for them and their families.  I just wished for them to have an easy time rather than having to re-teach one kid math every night, proofreading God only knows how many essays and research papers, and discovering that our autistic child (who came later in life) would probably always struggle with reading comprehension and social situations.

*  a certain amount of income --you know, so we just wouldn't have to struggle anymore. From the moment we married, money was always tight and that associated anxiety was getting tiresome. I just wished I had that certain amount rather than the scraping, planning, and denying that was par for the course.

* an ideal weight -- you know, because after my children were hitting upper elementary school, I should be able to lose the weight because I had a more regular schedule, the kids could be left alone while I exercised and such.  I just wished I could zoom to that weight quickly and without too much effort rather than looking at a mini muffin and gaining 5 pounds just by looking.

Here I am, 10 years later, and I laugh at what I wanted then.

* a new car? At least with used vehicles, we never owed more than the car was worth, and if the kids made a mess or we ruined something, it wasn't so devastating. I doubt that anyone was ever tempted to steal our vehicles, either!  Kristen began to name our vehicles, and somehow, that endeared them to us, even if they were "problem cars."  Since she began naming them, we've had Bonnie (Bonneville), Sheldon (Concorde...it can be temperamental, like Sheldon from BIG BANG THEORY),  The Man Car (The men of the family could do whatever they wanted in/to it--but it was given to us when we desperately needed a vehicle!), Ronnie (Rendezvous), Alfred (sleek and black...somehow Kristen thought of Alfred from BATMAN fame), and Bane (a Saturn).

*  my kids to breeze through school? Kristen had to work very hard in school to get the grades that she earned. Math was especially hard, but she took 4 years of it in high school to earn an academic honors diploma. College is not easy for her, but she has learned a lot about life (some professors don't care and won't help...sometimes you have to be proactive and be your own advocate...finding friends who can help you...not waiting until the last minute to do things...), and I wouldn't want to take that away from her. Nick earns solid grades, but he also has to work hard in some areas.  Ryan has to work extra hard--as do we as parents--just to keep up with his peers. I don't know what next year or the next ten years will bring, but this kid has a great attitude right now. When he learns, his face lights up--and the whole family feels the pride in his success.  Even though we're tired most nights, to hear him read to us, to hear him use new vocabulary, to see him make progress just thrills us. We're all closer as a result.

* a certain amount of income?  My perspective on money changed when we had to live the past two years on 1/2 of our income. We had groceries, I learned to stretch our money better, we ate out rarely, and we learned to savor and enjoy special treats.  We had a roof over our heads and the utilities were on...gas in the vehicles...basic phones to communicate. At first, I was scared about not having the income I was used to...then I became resentful that it was virtually impossible for Wayne to find full time employment...then I looked around and realized that God was providing us with the necessities. There were several times there was really no food in the frig or the pantry and it was still a few days until my paycheck would come...and someone would bring us a grocery store gift card, or someone brought us freezer beef, or my mom would cart in a homemade meal, still warm. Luck? I don't think so. It was God's provision in the hard times.  I don't mind what other people have now--it's their decision and their responsibility.  I just know that I'm a lot more interested in my family now than in my house, my furniture, my stuff.

* an ideal weight?  Of course, we all want to be the ideal weight, right now, with as little work as possible. It's just not going to happen for most of us, and last June I decided to make some changes. Nothing had worked for years...I just steadily gained weight.  Once I accepted that this process was going to take a while and that there would be periods of plateaus and periods of progress--that the weight didn't come on overnight nor would I take it off overnight--I've had a much better outlook on the process.  Not too long ago, an aunt asked me about my new diet. I told her, "It's not a diet. It's a new way to live." I've lost 23 pounds and am so proud of myself...but I still have another 40 to lose to be at my ideal weight. I love the way I feel now, and I want to keep this up so that I can be a healthier mom, wife, teacher, and friend.  This hasn't been easy, but I'm doing it the right way--and hopefully that will mean I'll maintain once I get to the goal weight.

As so many reflect on the past year and make resolutions/goals for the next, I've decided I'm not going to wish my life would be different.  Somehow, always wishing/wanting/hoping/praying for situations to be different didn't make them different--it just kept me unsatisfied.  For 2013, I pray God will help me to be satisfied and thankful for all I do have--to see the positives of every situation, even if the situation really doesn't seem that positive on the surface.

What I Want to Be

A few weeks ago, Ryan told me that he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up.

"What's that?" I asked.

"A math teacher. I want to help like you do, but I don't want to teach reading like you. Because I don't like reading as much as math."

"Ryan, you really want to be a teacher? That's awesome! We always need to have good teachers. What grade?"

"Well, probably kindergarten because THAT math is really easy."

I had to smile. Ryan hears us talk with Kristen about college and career plans, and we have recently started talking with Nick about college preparation and what career aspirations he has.

Ryan just wanted in on it. :)

But that short conversation had me thinking a lot about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm nearly 46. I've taught for 23 1/2 years. Have I enjoyed it? Overall, a definite yes. Any career will have its challenges, but most days, I'm very happy that I became an educator.

However, many students could care less if I have material to impart or not. When I come across students who REALLY want to learn, who want to use AND DO use me as a resource for additional learning, I'm in heaven. I had the opportunity to help some teachers one-on-one in learning some new technology. They WANTED to learn. I had the best time feeling that I was using my full potential--I was giving what I had, and others were receiving and utilizing it.

Not too long after my conversation with Ryan, I asked God what He wanted me to be when I grew up. Yes, I know it sounds like maybe I'm a little late in asking that, but with Wayne making a career change to full time pastoral ministry, and accepting the reality that we might have to move at some point to follow that call, I decided it best to ask God the question. 

This is where another thread in my life converges: In every church we've attended, the question is always, "How do we get more young people and families to come?"  I've learned a lot through experience...marketing, social media, relationship-building, and even coffee 101. I've read several books--the most recent being THE MILLENNIALS by Thom and Jess Rainer. I've seen what growing churches are doing, and see what churches that aren't growing are doing...

...and I want to be someone who can help.

By using my education background, pursuing a master's in youth/family ministry (to begin this fall), and merging in all of the research and best practices of both schools and churches, I want to be someone who helps people grow, groups grow, and/or churches grow.

I shared this with a friend the other day. She told me that Wayne and I would pack a powerful punch with what we had to offer.  I pray that is the case.

LUNCH

Today I had lunch with a high school friend, Cheryl.

Two hours slipped away quickly as we caught up with each other...our kids' activities, our own jobs and futures, our parents and their health/dispositions. Our salads didn't last nearly as long as the conversation, and had we had more time, I think we could've sat there all day.

That's a true friend. Someone you can immediately pick up a conversation with, no matter how long it has been since the last conversation. Someone who listens and inquires but doesn't poke or prod too much. Someone who is open if you have something on your mind. Someone who willingly shares her own concerns and questions. Someone who doesn't laugh at what you now do, your new direction, your new ideas or inspirations.

Someone who says--with or without words--"I've been here and will continue to be here for you."

What a blessing to have people like this in our lives!

Lucky

Yes, I was on hiatus.

If you know why, then you know.
If you don't know why, let's just say I'm in a different phase of life now and we can all go on...

Tonight I was relaxing and wanted to watch a little tv, but nothing "good" was on. (meaning Food Network) I turned on HGTV and found an episode of LOVE IT OR LIST IT and then watched a couple of rounds of HOUSE HUNTERS.

I guess I have no taste, no style, and no life. People were critiquing homes and saying they would have to gut this, they couldn't live with that, or oh my gosh--how ugly and dated is that.

I thought the homes looked wonderful -- nothing had been damaged by wind, flood, or fire. All of the homes featured had twice the square footage that we have. And I'm sure someone would argue with me, but I feel that requiring 3-4 bathrooms for 3-4 people seems a bit much.

As we get closer to Thanksgiving, I wonder if we really know how lucky we are compared to the majority of people on this earth.

k.

The power of God truly amazes me.

Mom had a stroke almost two weeks ago. Throughout the entire time she was in the hospital, God provided tremendous peace. However, after Mom had been there for about 4 days, I had my breakdown in private. I don't know why, but I was very much concerned about the future, even though her improvement was fantastic.

When we went to church that Sunday, the last song of the service was "Because He Lives," one of my old-time favs. As we sang the last verse, tears streamed and I could feel my face become flaming hot. I could NOT sing.  I could NOT look at Wayne, nor could I look at the kids. I could NOT breathe, actually...

God said, "Karen, it will be okay if your mom is with Me, and it will be okay if she's with you because Jesus lives and is your Savior."

That's it. God knew that right then I didn't need a lecture or a theological dissertation, but he SURE DID know that I needed a reminder--a loving one--that no matter what happens in my life, He is holding the future.

Christian bookstores are full of all types of Bibles. Actually, so are Wayne's bookshelves... :)

My favorite translation has always been the NIV, but I do enjoy cross-referencing other versions or paraphrases to compare/contrast word choice and syntax. Ah, the English teacher in me comes out. (Yes, I even compare comma placement--it does make a difference sometimes!) However, there's one type of Bible that I've never owned--one with the words of Christ in red letters.

My parents owned one with red letters. As a kid, I just thought the printers were trying to make the Bible "pretty," but one time Mom explained that they wanted to make the words of Christ stand out, to make the reader realize the words were important.

Last night Wayne was listening to some prrreeetttttyyyy old Christian music classics. We're talking 70s here. Although he introduced me to the group Petra, the first Christian group that I really liked was DC Talk.  I got on YouTube and looked for some of my favorites, and I remembered their song "Red Letters" from their album Supernatural. One click transported me back to the early 90s, and I remembered all the words without even having to look at the lyrics appearing on the screen.

What do you find in the words of Christ? Just some obscure religious instructions that are of no real consequence?  Some nice ideas but nothing you really want to live your life by?

The chorus of the song talks about the red letters providing hope for the hopeless, peace and forgiveness, love, truth...

Christ is not about giving us information. He is about transforming us. Let the red letters transform you and give you peace today.

As I reflected on my week, I realized that no fewer than seven friends are going through very overwhelming emotional/mental/or work-related situations. Not just, "Oh, I have all this paperwork to do" or "Gee, why doesn't my husband take out the garbage without being told" issues. The big issues.

You know when a person speaks and you hear that quiver in the voice,see the tear forming at the outside edge of the eye, and notice that the gaze is no longer on you but out the window? 


I saw that in 7 different friends this week. People talking about leaving teaching to find work elsewhere. People talking about pressure and stress that is unmanageable. People talking about needing medication to deal with blood pressure or anxiety. People having severe marital problems.  People in severe financial status.  People wondering if life is really worth living, or if this is all life has to offer.


After one text conversation last night, I asked God what I was supposed to do with this information. What's the appropriate response? How do you help people who are in such pain? Have so many questions?

I went to You Tube and watched Kari Jobe sing "Revelation Song." It never fails to usher me into God's presence (ha, whether I want to or not!). In listening to that song, I realized that worshiping God and allowing Him to BE GOD is the only response I have today.

Another song I watched on You Tube was "Blessed Be Your Name" by the David Crowder Band. The premise of the song is that no matter what--good, bad, and ugly--we'll trust God and praise Him.


It seems that in these middle aged days of mine,I'm realizing that this is all I can do.

I've just not had much to say, so I haven't blogged.

Well, maybe that's not accurate...I've had a LOT to say, but very little of it has been positive, so I have chosen not to blog. There. That's about right.

The best thing that has happened in the past MANY days is that Kristen came home for a weekend. She's already more mature. More appreciative. More beautiful. We had a fantastic time shopping for dorm supplies, replacing her broken phone, going to the KV band contest, sharing yummo family meals, and going to church. Ryan--and Nick, too--really enjoyed having Sis home!

She'll be home in another month for her fall break, which will also be Ryan's birthday. :) He's already put it on his calendar. 

"We are strangers...we are aliens....we are not of this world."  Lyrics by Petra

When I heard this song for the first time, I was 16 or 17. This guy I was dating was really into a new genre called Christian rock, and he asked me to go to a Petra concert in South Bend with another couple. Since I don't like going to concerts if I don't know the music, the guy gave me a cassette (ha) of Petra's latest album and said these songs would be included on the concert.

These words came back to me tonight for a reason. 

It's so easy to get caught up in what WE want to do. Our families. Our friends. Our hobbies. Our organizations. Our gossip. Our indulgences.

Yet, God calls us to do things that confound the worldly. Love one another. Turn the other cheek. Pray for our enemies.

Today I was faced with several situations that made me want to scream. God knows the situations and the people involved, but I admit that I fumed for a time (I wanted to throw things)...and then I was just sad. 

Instead, I've prayed God would release that anger and allow me to rise above it--not be defined by it.

Dear Indiana State Department of Education:

My daughter is a college student this year, and I just sent her a care pack. It was full of little items that I hope will make her next week a little brighter.  

IN DOE, I think you should give each diligent teacher a care pack. The contents should include the following:

a.  A PAT ON THE BACK. Not every teacher is lazy. Or stupid. Or evil.

b.  REASONABLE STEPS. Progress is made one step at a time. Trying to take every step as if it were a standing long jump is ridiculous and potentially harmful. Remember that parents and students must buy into this situation, too...and administrators can make or break the deal with their leadership.

c. REAL TEACHERS IN LEADERSHIP. In your commissions and conferences and committees, how many REAL teachers do you have? People who have worked in rural schools? People who have worked with disadvantaged kids? People who have taught more than 5 years in the trenches?  People who have a love of kids and content, have given family time and personal time for years upon end to complete what was necessary to help the kids learn? OH WAIT, those REAL TEACHERS aren't on the commissions because they don't want to take time away from their classrooms. (People who taught the minimum, became principals and superintendents quickly, and hopped onto state committees don't count.)

d. ANXIETY/DEPRESSION MEDS. Yeah, good teachers are increasingly more stressed out. Some of the best teachers I have ever known and have had the privilege of serving next to are considering leaving the profession. At the very least, send some blood pressure meds.

e.  PROTEIN SHAKES FOR OUR SPECIAL EDUCATION FRIENDS. They're working especially hard and are staying at school late at night. They need something to get through the dinner hour since they're not spending it with their families or pets.

f. A HANDSHAKE, NOT A SLAP. Oh, the irony.  Slap teachers around to "make them behave" and "do their job," institute all types of new rules and procedures. Have them fill out all types of paperwork to assure the public that they have the requisite knowledge.   Yes! That will make the situation better. Yet, if we were to employ those same techniques in the classroom, we would have limited success. Probably no success. Don't treat us poorly--no need to slap. Extend your hand; let's be partners in this challenging job.  We do need higher expectations, but we don't need a climate of fear or dread.  PS. If you have teachers who are not getting the job done--why not deal with those on an individual basis? 

g. A GOLD STAR.  Just because.

I've been told that allergens/pollens actually have a "stickery" appearance. The allergen gets into the nasal passage and gets "stuck," causing much irritation.

I don't really know if all that is accurate, but I do know that my ragweed allergy has been particular tenacious already.


I imagine that there are millions of these stickery-looking microorganisms stuck in my nose, my throat, my ears, my eyes. Hand me more Zyrtec, please. I will do just about anything in my power to get rid of the irritation--OTC medication, eye drops, natural supplements, roll Qtips in my ears to itch inside...Sometimes all I can think about is the swollen feel of my eyes or the intense need to rub my nose.

There's been a lot of other irritation in my life. I'm going to have to be equally tenacious in ridding my thoughts of the negative "stickery" feelings that just want to ...well...stick in my heart and mind. And that's definitely not very easy most of the time.

Yesterday I found out that our good friend lost his job. Let's just say that this wasn't his idea, nor was it good timing.

I felt so bad for his wife. All I kept thinking and praying was that they would have peace of mind through the whole situation. I know when we were going through this a few months ago that it was only the power of prayer that kept me sane. There wasn't much more I could offer, but I wanted to be there, even if just to sit with them and let them talk.

I remember people just letting me blab on and on--day, night--it didn't matter to my friends. So, I managed to convince her to let me drop by and sit on the back porch with her. She said, "I probably won't be very good company."

I told her, "We're not company. We're friends."

She talked. She teared up. She did all the things that I did. And it ripped up my heart. Again.

I wish more people could've seen what I saw today.

Wolcott UMC has a monthly food giveaway called "Bountiful Blessings." Essentially, anyone can come one Saturday a month and get free food that includes staples, meat, beverages, bread, eggs, etc. No questions. No forms.

Today was only my second time in attendance. Last month I monitored the bread area, but today I had to fill Wayne's shoes because he was at a training event in Indianapolis.

His job is to mingle with those who are waiting, pass out Angel Food forms (we also have that ministry going on in another part of the church), and dismiss people pew by pew to get their food.

I wasn't really prepared for what I saw.

I counted 90 people who participated today. First of all, we typically have 30-35 people in Sunday worship, so seeing 90 people fill up most of the sanctuary surprised me. Most of them had been waiting at least an hour--some, two hours--for this food. What still persists in my memory tonight, though, is eyes. People's eyes.

Many people would not make eye contact with me at first. Some obviously felt awkward, and others looked sad. A few smiled, but most just looked off and away.

I did know a few people, so I started there with some conversations. A few people asked me questions. I handed out Angel Food forms. I asked some kids about school and if they had any homework yet.

Before the actual distribution began, the director gave some announcements, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to three people in the crowd. Since Wayne wasn't there, Amy asked everyone to recite the Lord's Prayer.

She gave them the page number in the hymnal, but we didn't see anyone reach for one. The prayer was strong. Loud. I smiled.

It was then time to dismiss the people pew by pew. At this point, I had the opportunity to make eye contact with everyone and say a few words. The eyes didn't look quite so distant. Most even looked at me and smiled.

As people made their way through the line and out the doors to their vehicles, MANY thanked me. "Thank you for making this available to my family" helped make that awkward spot in my heart feel a little less awkward today.

Being called a pastor's wife or preacher's wife is weird, still. Those eyes, though...those eyes could make that feeling pass more quickly than I thought possible.

As I was driving to school today, I asked God why I've continued to struggle on and off the past few months in trusting Him. I mean, He knows it, so I said it: I'm getting tired of trusting. I just want You to fix our lives. (sooner rather than later would be a plus.)

It dawned on me, though. What real struggles have I had to deal with in my life? Honestly, not that much. I've been blessed beyond measure. The things I used to think were major obstacles/struggles, weren't that big of a deal...really.

To survive, I have to look for the positives wherever I can find them. The coolness of the day, the smile of a student, something broken...fixed, technology that allows me to see and talk to Kristen whenever I want, a flavorful peach.

Did I used to think such basics were blessings? If I didn't, I have been lately.

I feel that I'm living blessing to blessing (like paycheck to paycheck?). When I recognize a blessing, I try to really appreciate it as long as possible because something or someone will come along to try to ruin my mindset.

You'd think that age 44 I would no longer be nervous or excited about the first day of school. I had 17 "first days of school" in my formal education, and I guess counting the first couple of years of teaching would be appropriate.

Then why do I still get the butterflies?

I mean, I know what I'm going to do, I know what I'm going to say, I know how I'll respond to certain questions, I know the posture and even the pattern of walking around the room.

I guess it's because I still care. :)

Feeling a little weird. Off.

We were pretty much exhausted from Friday's college trek. Kristen was settled in under 2 hours. Her roommate is a sweetheart...we don't know about a third roommate yet, since the girl who was slated to be there decided not to attend. (The girls would like the extra space, but we doubt that they're going to get to keep it a double, so...)

I slept okay, but Kristen texted this morning to say that she didn't. How much of that was a twinge of homesickness, getting used to a new bed/environment, and/or the virus she's getting over is hard to tell. We got up, delivered Nick to band, readied Ryan for the day, attended a "welcome to the district" pastor family picnic and had a very nice time, drove through some torrential rain, took naps, woke up.

Still weird. Still off.

Nick met his girlfriend for supper, and we played with Ryan. I read a few chapters in a book. Did some laundry and dishes. Wayne commented that he didn't realize how much stuff in the house was Kristen's!

Right now I realize that Kristen, though a fantastic help to me from chauffeuring to cooking, adds a lot of fun to the house. I had just commented the other day that I didn't know when she developed the ability to do voices, accents, and impressions, but she has a personality that lights up a room.

We took pictures around campus so Ryan could look at them and see where Kristen is. He's still a bit confused as to why she doesn't come home at night to sleep in her room, but seeing a picture of her in her bunkbed made him smile.

Kristen texted me not too long ago. Already hanging with new friends at another dorm :) Ah, I remember those days. Wouldn't trade them for the world...and she won't, either.

So, for the next month, it's Mom vs. Men. Pray for me. :)

It was time for a new look. When I began blogging a couple of years ago, I'm sure there were only a few template choices. The ones available now are quite varied and fun!

Today we're getting Kristen ready for college. I mean, REALLY ready this time. Today we start the packing process.

The other "readies" have been...purchasing the technology that she needs, purchasing bedding that I guess fits only college dorm beds, figuring out how to order textbooks, having final discussions with the accounting office, and figuring out what is going and what is staying.

What I'm not ready for...Kristen being somewhere else most of the year.

I'm thankful for texting, emailing, and Skype!

Ryan asked her the other night, "What IS college, anyway?" She told him.

He said, "Well, why do you have to do THAT?"

This time of year, it's all about being ready. New school supplies, new gym shoes, lunch money. My readiness plans this fall will involve leaning more on God...and that Kristen will be doing the same.

Yesterday was our last Sunday at Brushwood UMC, where I have attended my entire life and Wayne has attended since he was a teenager. In fact, we met in the high school Sunday School class taught by Alice Tomlinson. I remember walking into the class--I was a freshman--and seeing Wayne there -- a senior.

And the first thing I heard him say?

Something to the effect that he had two different dates set up for the same night.

But it didn't take him too long to ditch those others (if they reaaaallllyyyy existed, ha.) and within a year we were dating.

Yesterday, I just lived in the moment. I enjoyed every jammin' song the worship team played, enjoyed seeing so many people there, enjoyed the words of both Rev. Kate Walker (Associate DS) and Pastor Darren, enjoyed the food and fellowship. Although I didn't cry, I did appreciate the tears of others.

Wayne, though, was more reflective. I asked him why he seemed a little emotional when reading and discussing his favorite scripture during the service when he hadn't been the emotional one through this period of transition. He said, "I realized it was the last worship service there. It was the last time I'll hear Darren preach...."

Notice, he didn't say it was the last meal we'd eat there. (We plan to be at the Chicken and Noodle Dinner in November!) :)

As he continued to reflect, I did a mental scan of our years there...and although the idea of separation is still a little tender, there really is one predominant theme.

God had us doing tons of ministry, whether youth group, Sunday School, music, Trough, Vacation Bible School, Angel Food, special needs adults, Family Fun Night, administrative committees, public relations, for one purpose: to send us on this next leg of our journey already (somewhat) prepared. We've been through the best of all possible times, and we've been through the worst. God's not planning to waste those experiences on memory. He's going to use those experiences to guide us in coloring a new canvas.

You've seen it before. A single grocery cart or bin at a store with a somewhat messy, poorly-scribbled sign: "Damaged--As Is." Most people do NOT look through the cart or bin. I've actually seen women scowl at such bins and almost race to get away as quickly as possible.

Do you notice the ones who do look at the damaged goods?

They're looking for something of value...a value that surpasses a dented can, a torn label, or even an passed "use by" date. They carefully look at each item and assess its value. When they find something, they smile and place the item in their own cart--it's theirs now...what a deal!

That's the way Jesus is. He knows our inner value, in spite of our outer dents, tears, or flaws. He carefully --even lovingly--pulls us out of the "Damaged" bin and places us in His cart and smiles.

When the world labels us as damaged goods, remember that Jesus sees the real value and potential in us.