It was time for a new look. When I began blogging a couple of years ago, I'm sure there were only a few template choices. The ones available now are quite varied and fun!

Today we're getting Kristen ready for college. I mean, REALLY ready this time. Today we start the packing process.

The other "readies" have been...purchasing the technology that she needs, purchasing bedding that I guess fits only college dorm beds, figuring out how to order textbooks, having final discussions with the accounting office, and figuring out what is going and what is staying.

What I'm not ready for...Kristen being somewhere else most of the year.

I'm thankful for texting, emailing, and Skype!

Ryan asked her the other night, "What IS college, anyway?" She told him.

He said, "Well, why do you have to do THAT?"

This time of year, it's all about being ready. New school supplies, new gym shoes, lunch money. My readiness plans this fall will involve leaning more on God...and that Kristen will be doing the same.

Yesterday was our last Sunday at Brushwood UMC, where I have attended my entire life and Wayne has attended since he was a teenager. In fact, we met in the high school Sunday School class taught by Alice Tomlinson. I remember walking into the class--I was a freshman--and seeing Wayne there -- a senior.

And the first thing I heard him say?

Something to the effect that he had two different dates set up for the same night.

But it didn't take him too long to ditch those others (if they reaaaallllyyyy existed, ha.) and within a year we were dating.

Yesterday, I just lived in the moment. I enjoyed every jammin' song the worship team played, enjoyed seeing so many people there, enjoyed the words of both Rev. Kate Walker (Associate DS) and Pastor Darren, enjoyed the food and fellowship. Although I didn't cry, I did appreciate the tears of others.

Wayne, though, was more reflective. I asked him why he seemed a little emotional when reading and discussing his favorite scripture during the service when he hadn't been the emotional one through this period of transition. He said, "I realized it was the last worship service there. It was the last time I'll hear Darren preach...."

Notice, he didn't say it was the last meal we'd eat there. (We plan to be at the Chicken and Noodle Dinner in November!) :)

As he continued to reflect, I did a mental scan of our years there...and although the idea of separation is still a little tender, there really is one predominant theme.

God had us doing tons of ministry, whether youth group, Sunday School, music, Trough, Vacation Bible School, Angel Food, special needs adults, Family Fun Night, administrative committees, public relations, for one purpose: to send us on this next leg of our journey already (somewhat) prepared. We've been through the best of all possible times, and we've been through the worst. God's not planning to waste those experiences on memory. He's going to use those experiences to guide us in coloring a new canvas.

You've seen it before. A single grocery cart or bin at a store with a somewhat messy, poorly-scribbled sign: "Damaged--As Is." Most people do NOT look through the cart or bin. I've actually seen women scowl at such bins and almost race to get away as quickly as possible.

Do you notice the ones who do look at the damaged goods?

They're looking for something of value...a value that surpasses a dented can, a torn label, or even an passed "use by" date. They carefully look at each item and assess its value. When they find something, they smile and place the item in their own cart--it's theirs now...what a deal!

That's the way Jesus is. He knows our inner value, in spite of our outer dents, tears, or flaws. He carefully --even lovingly--pulls us out of the "Damaged" bin and places us in His cart and smiles.

When the world labels us as damaged goods, remember that Jesus sees the real value and potential in us.

My mom has always said that she can tell when I'm under stress because that's when I cook/bake a lot and try new recipes.

Today we're having pan-seared pork chops that will finish in a crockpot with a tasty sauce, sweet corn, watermelon, green bean casserole, and peach cobbler. I made a list of what I want to make tomorrow: Honeybun cake, sour cream coffee cake, and homemade pizza. :)

Stress may be part of the cooking factor, but for today, most of it is that this a day I don't mind standing over a hot stove. The day has been absolutely beautiful--76, low humidity--perfect. Delicious.

When we sit down for this yummy meal, as the flavor counterpoint melts on our palates, I'll be reminded of the counterpoint of emotions, situations, careers, and friends that have moved this week through the maze I call my mind.

I've tried several times tonight to write a blog entry---but I erased each attempt.

Even though I can't read the words on the page anymore, they're still in my memory.

It was a hard day, but I pray that a good night's sleep will prepare me for the challenges of tomorrow.

I'll never look at a fishbowl the same way again.

Poor fish. Limited in movement. Dependent on a provider of food, oxygen and poop removal. More than anything... a lack of privacy. Everyone can look, point, tap on the glass, laugh, make faces.

When I went on my Emmaus Walk weekend over ten years ago, Wayne bought Kristen and Nick two (huge) fish and put them in a little bitty bowl. When I walked in 72 hours later, the kids told me how much fun they were having staring into the sides of the bowl, making the fish appear larger and stranger than they already were!

I wondered...what distortion must the fish see when looking our direction? I wonder if the fish hears anything, or is the sound distorted, too?

When events occur that place us, whether we want them to or not, into the metaphorical fishbowl, I would advise all outside the fishbowl to keep in mind the element of distortion.

Have you ever composed an entire email-- a long one--only to accidentally press some stray button and lose the entire message?

That has happened to me on several occasions. The first time it happened, I was furious and tried to re-compose the message. However, I was so upset at the time that was wasted, I just quit.

Every time I've lost a message, I've been overly emotional--usually mad. I don't like the physical act of writing, but boy, I can sure type fast.

I wondered once, "Is God trying to send me a message? As in...don't send this message now?" This might not be good theology, but it kept me from being angry..and it kept me from typing more emotional emails.

SOOOOO, when I worked on my English 9 curriculum late last night and finished quarters 3 and 4, I saved quarter 3 and then worked on that same document, changing what needed changing for quarter 4...but I did not "save as" quarter 4. I saved quarter 4 as 3 and lost 3. I was furious and then depressed...that was a lot of work time wasted.

Can I tell the State of Indiana that I can't teach all that stuff in quarter 3 because I lost it? Maybe there was something about it (Shakespeare, Sophocles, and Homer) that God didn't like? :)

Maybe I am just too tired and hot to think straight?

I'm just being facetious, but I'm not going to re-work anything until next week.

Last night after worship team practice, we enjoyed a variety of desserts and I talked to the group about what I appreciated so much about each one of them. Three months ago when we decided that August 14th would be our last Sunday at the church we've been such a vested part of for many, many years, I thought that the last few practices and last few Sundays would be heartbreaking. I prayed that is wouldn't be.

God has answered that prayer.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last six weeks or so...Melody has chosen all of my favorites, Kristie has smiled in spite of the tears, Jodi is making progress on learning the piano duties, Darren has not cried (I'm impressed!) and he set up a fan for me, Donny has rocked the drums, and Phil has been able to make it a few times to rock the auxiliary percussion. Mel hasn't even been grouchy at me (you know how siblings can be)! Even at this dessert get-together, when I was sharing how important this group has been over the past six years or so, I was just filled with joy and peace. These people have given their talents to God because they love Him. These people love each other. These people want to see our church continue to grow.

After I was done yakking, the group gave me a card and gift. The gift was a frame with three picture openings, imprinted with this: "Friends...someone who knows the song in your HEART and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten it."

The top opening contains a picture of our group, and the bottom opening has a picture of me at the piano during a Trough evening.

But the middle spot took me by surprise. The emotion took me by surprise.

In the middle, Melody had placed an excerpt of my favorite contemporary Christian song:

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Immediately, my throat tensed up and tears came. They knew the reason that this song has been so important to me in the past six months. They knew enough to care to personalize a simple gift in such a meaningful way that it touched me to the core.

When I got home and showed Wayne the gift, I realized that the bottom picture of me preparing to play the piano contained something else. The music I was getting ready to play was "Blessed Be Your Name." For people who don't understand my love of music, this may seem like a coincidence. For me, it was a God moment.

And I knew that they would always be my friends as my family now turns to another God-given task.

I've been sharing some Bible study time this summer with a friend. At first, I was reluctant to make the commitment, but then I decided it was really something that I needed. Too often I'm asked--or I volunteer--to be the teacher. After several weeks of discussion, Bible reading, reflecting, and praying, I realize that it has been good for me to be the student.

Although our overall topic has been "peace," tonight I think we agreed what we're both working on in our lives: letting go of what we want or what we think is best and letting God be God.

That may sound easy to some people, but it's not for a recovering control freak.

Today at church we sang a song with the line, "May my lifesong sing to You" and it really choked me up. I really want my life to be in tune with God's plan, and I think I'm finally ready to accept what He has, even if I don't understand it all. And believe me, after being a Christian for the past 18 years, I do NOT have the answers. However, that acceptance, that willingness to allow God to work, is where peace can be found.

As I was logging in this morning, I saw that I have 14 followers.

Does that sound a little creepy to you? :)

"Following" is a mixed bag. Parents want their kids to follow directions, and we all sigh in relief when our kids do what other kids do...play at the park, participate in sports, obey the rules, and such. BUT, we also want our kids to think independently, to question the status quo, to stand against what the "world" says is acceptable or even desirable.

I am not always good at following God's lead. I want what I want when I want it.

There. I said it.

But you know, a lot has happened in our lives in the past six months. The only way we have survived is to follow God's lead. And the closeness of TRULY following God, letting Him have the wheel, has provided a peace we've not had in a long time.

A friend asked me this week if I have been happy in my career as a teacher.

At first, I was worried that I had been complaining too much about the job...but that's not the reason she asked.

She's a pharmacist. I'm a teacher. We've known each other for over 25 years. We've talked about everything there is to possibly talk about. I knew her question was a serious one.

I told her that, although I have days that try my soul (usually at the hands of state legislation or administrative issues more than anything else), I couldn't imagine having become anything else. I still work hard to see the "a ha" in a student's face, and I still love to see the improvement of all types of students. Even though I'm getting older, have a little less energy, and have a few (okay, a LOT) more gray hairs, I still look forward to school, still enjoy the students, and still love sharing their success in English/school/sports/life.

I could've become a pharmacist. In fact, in those first few years after college when my friend was making a lot more money than I was, I went through a period of regret about my career choice. As time has passed, though, I have realized that God had a plan for me, and North Newton Jr.-Sr. High School is where it's been happening.

k.

School is right around the corner.

So...where in the world is my energy?

I'm taking 5000% (that's really not hyperbole) of the B vitamins, but I still do not have the drive and desire to get back into the education saddle! There are so many new tasks and catch-up tasks to think about...so I think that maybe if I set aside a couple of hours a day to work on the "to do" list, maybe I can get into a groove.

When I was taking a shower, I accidentally bumped Kristen's razor off the ledge and onto the bottom of the tub. I bent over, picked up the razor, and returned it to its spot.

Then I realized: I hadn't moved like that, pain free, in almost three weeks.

Pain has an amazing ability to get our attention. Suddenly we're willing to do what the doctor tells us, we're willing to listen, we're praying for the pain to subside.

But what happens when the pain subsides or disappears?

It's easy to go back to life as usual, isn't it?

Today, though, I tried to appreciate all the things I could do that I couldn't before...bending to pick something up, getting in and out of chairs with ease, sitting on the porch swing, bending over the sink to work with fresh produce. It was good to think about the positives.

Kristen got a few more things for college today--all of the products-that-you-need-that-you-don't-think-about-until-you-realize-you're-going-to-be-gone-a-long-time kind of products. You know, first aid supplies, detergent, spot remover, sunscreen, and such.

She also has purchased a purple leather (that is SO Kristen) NIV Bible to carry in her backpack.

When I went to college, I thought it was an opportunity to take a break from God and all the things my family made me do in church. I could finally sleep in on Sundays. Ironically, God had other plans allllll the way back then. I was blessed with a roommate who didn't just talk the talk, but walked the walk. Our first day, she asked if I wanted to go church exploring with her, and that led to a friendship we've had for nearly 30 years...and it kept me focused on God in college.

Kristen already is more connected to campus ministry than I ever was--I'm so happy for all the opportunities that the University of Indianapolis can offer her!

It's interesting...how many times have you KNOWN you should do something but said you just didn't have the time? Was it really because you didn't have the time? Did you just not see it as a priority?

Of course, there's no reason for me to use second person. I've done it a million times, so I should have used first person.

Yesterday, Ryan told us he wanted a new bike. I told him that as soon as he learned to tie his own shoes that we would look for a bike. Part of Ryan's special needs makes small motor skills more difficult, and he has put this childhood task off saying "It's too hard." Picking and choosing my battles, I haven't pushed until now.

He tried to negotiate. Mom won. We would look for a bike when he could complete the task.

So do you know what that booger did? He scrunched up his face, worked as hard as he could, asked us to remind him of the steps...he was bound and determined to figure it out in 5 minutes. He did get partway through and teared up because he started having problems. He told me that he was mad, that he wasn't going to go to school, that he WAS going to school but Dad could tie his shoes everyday, and why did he have to learn THIS?

I'm confident that he'll have this down in a just a few days because now it's a priority. Now he wants to complete the task so that he can get a new bike. What is my priority? What have I put off because it was too hard? What did I ignore because it wasn't important to me at the time?

When I would take high schoolers to Senior High Institute (church camp), I was always asked to "do something." Most of the time I led a peer response group because when the organizers heard I was a teacher, they thought that was the natural place for me. We would debrief whatever the keynoter had to say, discuss Biblical questions the kids had, and play some games.

Campers also chose an elective class to take...topics like euchre, chalk art, and ultimate frisbee were popular. One year Wayne went with me to camp, and we had to figure out if he would lead one of these elective classes. People were free to offer new ideas for groups, so Wayne came up with "Front Porch Sittin'."

His idea wasn't chosen.

BUT, it was a great idea.

Our cabin had a big cement stoop that was large enough to accommodate a lot of lawn chairs. We'd sit out there in the cool of the evening and talk, laugh, sing...whatever. It became such a popular thing to do that our campers could be seen on the front porch at just about any time of day or night.

There is genius in front porch sittin'. Not only do you sit, but you think, reflect, share...whatever is best for the situation. You are forced to slow down, to watch the nature around you, and to interact with the others who are also front porch sittin'.

Our front porch at home has a traditional wooden 2-seater swing. Lately, Wayne and I have been front porch sittin'. Sometimes together. Sometimes alone. It's been a welcome respite to the tv, computer, and house chores. Now if I could just convince the school to install a swing (okay, AND a front porch) outside my room, I think I'd be much more relaxed...

I've had a couple of people ask me how I've been able to handle the big changes in our lives.

The first thing that comes to mind is, "Am I really handling it?" I mean, I have used a lot of kleenex in the past couple of months...someone asked me once if I was being bothered by allergies when I had to admit that no, I'd been crying.

I can explain this only by going back and telling you that whenever I wondered if God wanted me to do something different or what the timing should be on specific actions, I would ask for a billboard-- a big fat sign to tell me what to do and when. I can't say that the billboard concept has been very effective for me, but that's what my prayers would include...make it clear to me, God.

This week, God didn't use a billboard. He was a very presence at my elbow, whispering and pointing to what I needed to know and what I needed to do. Nothing complicated. No James Earl Jones voice. Just a whisper on the breeze. With that presence came the realization that these changes aren't just Wayne's that I will support. These changes include me; I have a specific role to play. It's a family calling, and I recognize that now.

Why don't I fight it and do what I want? Hey, I've done that before. The results are always disastrous. I'm not into any additional crisis in my life, thank you very much.

I think I'm going to stop praying for billboards and begin praying for my eyes to be open to God's presence next to me. Hopefully, I won't go through as much kleenex..

My pastor asked me if I had seen any of the episodes of "Extreme Chef" on Food Network. I had to admit that I had.

I have to wonder who's crazier...the chefs for agreeing to cook under the crazy conditions that the producers create...or me for actually watching it.

So many people are looking for the next show, artist, or fad that pushes all the envelopes. Something to turn people's heads. Something that others haven't seen before.

But all they have to do is look at the life of Jesus and to emulate him. Loving people unconditionally? Offering hope and life to others when the world would push us to the edge of our limits physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially? Jesus pushed the envelope and turned people's heads. If people were to strive to be more like him, that would be pretty extreme!

I've had a very busy three weeks since school let out. Kristen's graduation, her open house, a graduate class, a wedding, a church dinner...and now, let it be proclaimed on July 5th of 2011, my summer can begin.

The problem with that is that growing up in a family (extended) of many teachers, we tended to view July 4th as the halfway point--that it was time to start thinking about school, lesson plans, changes to be made, and so on. Of course, we got out of school the week before Memorial Day back then and now I'm lucky if I'm out before the second week of June...

Sooooo, I've had to adjust my thinking. We're going on a short vacation in two weeks. I'm going to do family and house things until then and worry about school on July 25th. Often, I do not adjust very well to ... adjustments. I like things the way they are and don't always see the benefit(s) of change. However, someone has been working on me about that...

k.