The power of God truly amazes me.

Mom had a stroke almost two weeks ago. Throughout the entire time she was in the hospital, God provided tremendous peace. However, after Mom had been there for about 4 days, I had my breakdown in private. I don't know why, but I was very much concerned about the future, even though her improvement was fantastic.

When we went to church that Sunday, the last song of the service was "Because He Lives," one of my old-time favs. As we sang the last verse, tears streamed and I could feel my face become flaming hot. I could NOT sing.  I could NOT look at Wayne, nor could I look at the kids. I could NOT breathe, actually...

God said, "Karen, it will be okay if your mom is with Me, and it will be okay if she's with you because Jesus lives and is your Savior."

That's it. God knew that right then I didn't need a lecture or a theological dissertation, but he SURE DID know that I needed a reminder--a loving one--that no matter what happens in my life, He is holding the future.

Christian bookstores are full of all types of Bibles. Actually, so are Wayne's bookshelves... :)

My favorite translation has always been the NIV, but I do enjoy cross-referencing other versions or paraphrases to compare/contrast word choice and syntax. Ah, the English teacher in me comes out. (Yes, I even compare comma placement--it does make a difference sometimes!) However, there's one type of Bible that I've never owned--one with the words of Christ in red letters.

My parents owned one with red letters. As a kid, I just thought the printers were trying to make the Bible "pretty," but one time Mom explained that they wanted to make the words of Christ stand out, to make the reader realize the words were important.

Last night Wayne was listening to some prrreeetttttyyyy old Christian music classics. We're talking 70s here. Although he introduced me to the group Petra, the first Christian group that I really liked was DC Talk.  I got on YouTube and looked for some of my favorites, and I remembered their song "Red Letters" from their album Supernatural. One click transported me back to the early 90s, and I remembered all the words without even having to look at the lyrics appearing on the screen.

What do you find in the words of Christ? Just some obscure religious instructions that are of no real consequence?  Some nice ideas but nothing you really want to live your life by?

The chorus of the song talks about the red letters providing hope for the hopeless, peace and forgiveness, love, truth...

Christ is not about giving us information. He is about transforming us. Let the red letters transform you and give you peace today.

As I reflected on my week, I realized that no fewer than seven friends are going through very overwhelming emotional/mental/or work-related situations. Not just, "Oh, I have all this paperwork to do" or "Gee, why doesn't my husband take out the garbage without being told" issues. The big issues.

You know when a person speaks and you hear that quiver in the voice,see the tear forming at the outside edge of the eye, and notice that the gaze is no longer on you but out the window? 


I saw that in 7 different friends this week. People talking about leaving teaching to find work elsewhere. People talking about pressure and stress that is unmanageable. People talking about needing medication to deal with blood pressure or anxiety. People having severe marital problems.  People in severe financial status.  People wondering if life is really worth living, or if this is all life has to offer.


After one text conversation last night, I asked God what I was supposed to do with this information. What's the appropriate response? How do you help people who are in such pain? Have so many questions?

I went to You Tube and watched Kari Jobe sing "Revelation Song." It never fails to usher me into God's presence (ha, whether I want to or not!). In listening to that song, I realized that worshiping God and allowing Him to BE GOD is the only response I have today.

Another song I watched on You Tube was "Blessed Be Your Name" by the David Crowder Band. The premise of the song is that no matter what--good, bad, and ugly--we'll trust God and praise Him.


It seems that in these middle aged days of mine,I'm realizing that this is all I can do.

I've just not had much to say, so I haven't blogged.

Well, maybe that's not accurate...I've had a LOT to say, but very little of it has been positive, so I have chosen not to blog. There. That's about right.

The best thing that has happened in the past MANY days is that Kristen came home for a weekend. She's already more mature. More appreciative. More beautiful. We had a fantastic time shopping for dorm supplies, replacing her broken phone, going to the KV band contest, sharing yummo family meals, and going to church. Ryan--and Nick, too--really enjoyed having Sis home!

She'll be home in another month for her fall break, which will also be Ryan's birthday. :) He's already put it on his calendar. 

"We are strangers...we are aliens....we are not of this world."  Lyrics by Petra

When I heard this song for the first time, I was 16 or 17. This guy I was dating was really into a new genre called Christian rock, and he asked me to go to a Petra concert in South Bend with another couple. Since I don't like going to concerts if I don't know the music, the guy gave me a cassette (ha) of Petra's latest album and said these songs would be included on the concert.

These words came back to me tonight for a reason. 

It's so easy to get caught up in what WE want to do. Our families. Our friends. Our hobbies. Our organizations. Our gossip. Our indulgences.

Yet, God calls us to do things that confound the worldly. Love one another. Turn the other cheek. Pray for our enemies.

Today I was faced with several situations that made me want to scream. God knows the situations and the people involved, but I admit that I fumed for a time (I wanted to throw things)...and then I was just sad. 

Instead, I've prayed God would release that anger and allow me to rise above it--not be defined by it.

Dear Indiana State Department of Education:

My daughter is a college student this year, and I just sent her a care pack. It was full of little items that I hope will make her next week a little brighter.  

IN DOE, I think you should give each diligent teacher a care pack. The contents should include the following:

a.  A PAT ON THE BACK. Not every teacher is lazy. Or stupid. Or evil.

b.  REASONABLE STEPS. Progress is made one step at a time. Trying to take every step as if it were a standing long jump is ridiculous and potentially harmful. Remember that parents and students must buy into this situation, too...and administrators can make or break the deal with their leadership.

c. REAL TEACHERS IN LEADERSHIP. In your commissions and conferences and committees, how many REAL teachers do you have? People who have worked in rural schools? People who have worked with disadvantaged kids? People who have taught more than 5 years in the trenches?  People who have a love of kids and content, have given family time and personal time for years upon end to complete what was necessary to help the kids learn? OH WAIT, those REAL TEACHERS aren't on the commissions because they don't want to take time away from their classrooms. (People who taught the minimum, became principals and superintendents quickly, and hopped onto state committees don't count.)

d. ANXIETY/DEPRESSION MEDS. Yeah, good teachers are increasingly more stressed out. Some of the best teachers I have ever known and have had the privilege of serving next to are considering leaving the profession. At the very least, send some blood pressure meds.

e.  PROTEIN SHAKES FOR OUR SPECIAL EDUCATION FRIENDS. They're working especially hard and are staying at school late at night. They need something to get through the dinner hour since they're not spending it with their families or pets.

f. A HANDSHAKE, NOT A SLAP. Oh, the irony.  Slap teachers around to "make them behave" and "do their job," institute all types of new rules and procedures. Have them fill out all types of paperwork to assure the public that they have the requisite knowledge.   Yes! That will make the situation better. Yet, if we were to employ those same techniques in the classroom, we would have limited success. Probably no success. Don't treat us poorly--no need to slap. Extend your hand; let's be partners in this challenging job.  We do need higher expectations, but we don't need a climate of fear or dread.  PS. If you have teachers who are not getting the job done--why not deal with those on an individual basis? 

g. A GOLD STAR.  Just because.

I've been told that allergens/pollens actually have a "stickery" appearance. The allergen gets into the nasal passage and gets "stuck," causing much irritation.

I don't really know if all that is accurate, but I do know that my ragweed allergy has been particular tenacious already.


I imagine that there are millions of these stickery-looking microorganisms stuck in my nose, my throat, my ears, my eyes. Hand me more Zyrtec, please. I will do just about anything in my power to get rid of the irritation--OTC medication, eye drops, natural supplements, roll Qtips in my ears to itch inside...Sometimes all I can think about is the swollen feel of my eyes or the intense need to rub my nose.

There's been a lot of other irritation in my life. I'm going to have to be equally tenacious in ridding my thoughts of the negative "stickery" feelings that just want to ...well...stick in my heart and mind. And that's definitely not very easy most of the time.

Yesterday I found out that our good friend lost his job. Let's just say that this wasn't his idea, nor was it good timing.

I felt so bad for his wife. All I kept thinking and praying was that they would have peace of mind through the whole situation. I know when we were going through this a few months ago that it was only the power of prayer that kept me sane. There wasn't much more I could offer, but I wanted to be there, even if just to sit with them and let them talk.

I remember people just letting me blab on and on--day, night--it didn't matter to my friends. So, I managed to convince her to let me drop by and sit on the back porch with her. She said, "I probably won't be very good company."

I told her, "We're not company. We're friends."

She talked. She teared up. She did all the things that I did. And it ripped up my heart. Again.

I wish more people could've seen what I saw today.

Wolcott UMC has a monthly food giveaway called "Bountiful Blessings." Essentially, anyone can come one Saturday a month and get free food that includes staples, meat, beverages, bread, eggs, etc. No questions. No forms.

Today was only my second time in attendance. Last month I monitored the bread area, but today I had to fill Wayne's shoes because he was at a training event in Indianapolis.

His job is to mingle with those who are waiting, pass out Angel Food forms (we also have that ministry going on in another part of the church), and dismiss people pew by pew to get their food.

I wasn't really prepared for what I saw.

I counted 90 people who participated today. First of all, we typically have 30-35 people in Sunday worship, so seeing 90 people fill up most of the sanctuary surprised me. Most of them had been waiting at least an hour--some, two hours--for this food. What still persists in my memory tonight, though, is eyes. People's eyes.

Many people would not make eye contact with me at first. Some obviously felt awkward, and others looked sad. A few smiled, but most just looked off and away.

I did know a few people, so I started there with some conversations. A few people asked me questions. I handed out Angel Food forms. I asked some kids about school and if they had any homework yet.

Before the actual distribution began, the director gave some announcements, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to three people in the crowd. Since Wayne wasn't there, Amy asked everyone to recite the Lord's Prayer.

She gave them the page number in the hymnal, but we didn't see anyone reach for one. The prayer was strong. Loud. I smiled.

It was then time to dismiss the people pew by pew. At this point, I had the opportunity to make eye contact with everyone and say a few words. The eyes didn't look quite so distant. Most even looked at me and smiled.

As people made their way through the line and out the doors to their vehicles, MANY thanked me. "Thank you for making this available to my family" helped make that awkward spot in my heart feel a little less awkward today.

Being called a pastor's wife or preacher's wife is weird, still. Those eyes, though...those eyes could make that feeling pass more quickly than I thought possible.

As I was driving to school today, I asked God why I've continued to struggle on and off the past few months in trusting Him. I mean, He knows it, so I said it: I'm getting tired of trusting. I just want You to fix our lives. (sooner rather than later would be a plus.)

It dawned on me, though. What real struggles have I had to deal with in my life? Honestly, not that much. I've been blessed beyond measure. The things I used to think were major obstacles/struggles, weren't that big of a deal...really.

To survive, I have to look for the positives wherever I can find them. The coolness of the day, the smile of a student, something broken...fixed, technology that allows me to see and talk to Kristen whenever I want, a flavorful peach.

Did I used to think such basics were blessings? If I didn't, I have been lately.

I feel that I'm living blessing to blessing (like paycheck to paycheck?). When I recognize a blessing, I try to really appreciate it as long as possible because something or someone will come along to try to ruin my mindset.

You'd think that age 44 I would no longer be nervous or excited about the first day of school. I had 17 "first days of school" in my formal education, and I guess counting the first couple of years of teaching would be appropriate.

Then why do I still get the butterflies?

I mean, I know what I'm going to do, I know what I'm going to say, I know how I'll respond to certain questions, I know the posture and even the pattern of walking around the room.

I guess it's because I still care. :)

Feeling a little weird. Off.

We were pretty much exhausted from Friday's college trek. Kristen was settled in under 2 hours. Her roommate is a sweetheart...we don't know about a third roommate yet, since the girl who was slated to be there decided not to attend. (The girls would like the extra space, but we doubt that they're going to get to keep it a double, so...)

I slept okay, but Kristen texted this morning to say that she didn't. How much of that was a twinge of homesickness, getting used to a new bed/environment, and/or the virus she's getting over is hard to tell. We got up, delivered Nick to band, readied Ryan for the day, attended a "welcome to the district" pastor family picnic and had a very nice time, drove through some torrential rain, took naps, woke up.

Still weird. Still off.

Nick met his girlfriend for supper, and we played with Ryan. I read a few chapters in a book. Did some laundry and dishes. Wayne commented that he didn't realize how much stuff in the house was Kristen's!

Right now I realize that Kristen, though a fantastic help to me from chauffeuring to cooking, adds a lot of fun to the house. I had just commented the other day that I didn't know when she developed the ability to do voices, accents, and impressions, but she has a personality that lights up a room.

We took pictures around campus so Ryan could look at them and see where Kristen is. He's still a bit confused as to why she doesn't come home at night to sleep in her room, but seeing a picture of her in her bunkbed made him smile.

Kristen texted me not too long ago. Already hanging with new friends at another dorm :) Ah, I remember those days. Wouldn't trade them for the world...and she won't, either.

So, for the next month, it's Mom vs. Men. Pray for me. :)

It was time for a new look. When I began blogging a couple of years ago, I'm sure there were only a few template choices. The ones available now are quite varied and fun!

Today we're getting Kristen ready for college. I mean, REALLY ready this time. Today we start the packing process.

The other "readies" have been...purchasing the technology that she needs, purchasing bedding that I guess fits only college dorm beds, figuring out how to order textbooks, having final discussions with the accounting office, and figuring out what is going and what is staying.

What I'm not ready for...Kristen being somewhere else most of the year.

I'm thankful for texting, emailing, and Skype!

Ryan asked her the other night, "What IS college, anyway?" She told him.

He said, "Well, why do you have to do THAT?"

This time of year, it's all about being ready. New school supplies, new gym shoes, lunch money. My readiness plans this fall will involve leaning more on God...and that Kristen will be doing the same.

Yesterday was our last Sunday at Brushwood UMC, where I have attended my entire life and Wayne has attended since he was a teenager. In fact, we met in the high school Sunday School class taught by Alice Tomlinson. I remember walking into the class--I was a freshman--and seeing Wayne there -- a senior.

And the first thing I heard him say?

Something to the effect that he had two different dates set up for the same night.

But it didn't take him too long to ditch those others (if they reaaaallllyyyy existed, ha.) and within a year we were dating.

Yesterday, I just lived in the moment. I enjoyed every jammin' song the worship team played, enjoyed seeing so many people there, enjoyed the words of both Rev. Kate Walker (Associate DS) and Pastor Darren, enjoyed the food and fellowship. Although I didn't cry, I did appreciate the tears of others.

Wayne, though, was more reflective. I asked him why he seemed a little emotional when reading and discussing his favorite scripture during the service when he hadn't been the emotional one through this period of transition. He said, "I realized it was the last worship service there. It was the last time I'll hear Darren preach...."

Notice, he didn't say it was the last meal we'd eat there. (We plan to be at the Chicken and Noodle Dinner in November!) :)

As he continued to reflect, I did a mental scan of our years there...and although the idea of separation is still a little tender, there really is one predominant theme.

God had us doing tons of ministry, whether youth group, Sunday School, music, Trough, Vacation Bible School, Angel Food, special needs adults, Family Fun Night, administrative committees, public relations, for one purpose: to send us on this next leg of our journey already (somewhat) prepared. We've been through the best of all possible times, and we've been through the worst. God's not planning to waste those experiences on memory. He's going to use those experiences to guide us in coloring a new canvas.

You've seen it before. A single grocery cart or bin at a store with a somewhat messy, poorly-scribbled sign: "Damaged--As Is." Most people do NOT look through the cart or bin. I've actually seen women scowl at such bins and almost race to get away as quickly as possible.

Do you notice the ones who do look at the damaged goods?

They're looking for something of value...a value that surpasses a dented can, a torn label, or even an passed "use by" date. They carefully look at each item and assess its value. When they find something, they smile and place the item in their own cart--it's theirs now...what a deal!

That's the way Jesus is. He knows our inner value, in spite of our outer dents, tears, or flaws. He carefully --even lovingly--pulls us out of the "Damaged" bin and places us in His cart and smiles.

When the world labels us as damaged goods, remember that Jesus sees the real value and potential in us.

My mom has always said that she can tell when I'm under stress because that's when I cook/bake a lot and try new recipes.

Today we're having pan-seared pork chops that will finish in a crockpot with a tasty sauce, sweet corn, watermelon, green bean casserole, and peach cobbler. I made a list of what I want to make tomorrow: Honeybun cake, sour cream coffee cake, and homemade pizza. :)

Stress may be part of the cooking factor, but for today, most of it is that this a day I don't mind standing over a hot stove. The day has been absolutely beautiful--76, low humidity--perfect. Delicious.

When we sit down for this yummy meal, as the flavor counterpoint melts on our palates, I'll be reminded of the counterpoint of emotions, situations, careers, and friends that have moved this week through the maze I call my mind.

I've tried several times tonight to write a blog entry---but I erased each attempt.

Even though I can't read the words on the page anymore, they're still in my memory.

It was a hard day, but I pray that a good night's sleep will prepare me for the challenges of tomorrow.

I'll never look at a fishbowl the same way again.

Poor fish. Limited in movement. Dependent on a provider of food, oxygen and poop removal. More than anything... a lack of privacy. Everyone can look, point, tap on the glass, laugh, make faces.

When I went on my Emmaus Walk weekend over ten years ago, Wayne bought Kristen and Nick two (huge) fish and put them in a little bitty bowl. When I walked in 72 hours later, the kids told me how much fun they were having staring into the sides of the bowl, making the fish appear larger and stranger than they already were!

I wondered...what distortion must the fish see when looking our direction? I wonder if the fish hears anything, or is the sound distorted, too?

When events occur that place us, whether we want them to or not, into the metaphorical fishbowl, I would advise all outside the fishbowl to keep in mind the element of distortion.

Have you ever composed an entire email-- a long one--only to accidentally press some stray button and lose the entire message?

That has happened to me on several occasions. The first time it happened, I was furious and tried to re-compose the message. However, I was so upset at the time that was wasted, I just quit.

Every time I've lost a message, I've been overly emotional--usually mad. I don't like the physical act of writing, but boy, I can sure type fast.

I wondered once, "Is God trying to send me a message? As in...don't send this message now?" This might not be good theology, but it kept me from being angry..and it kept me from typing more emotional emails.

SOOOOO, when I worked on my English 9 curriculum late last night and finished quarters 3 and 4, I saved quarter 3 and then worked on that same document, changing what needed changing for quarter 4...but I did not "save as" quarter 4. I saved quarter 4 as 3 and lost 3. I was furious and then depressed...that was a lot of work time wasted.

Can I tell the State of Indiana that I can't teach all that stuff in quarter 3 because I lost it? Maybe there was something about it (Shakespeare, Sophocles, and Homer) that God didn't like? :)

Maybe I am just too tired and hot to think straight?

I'm just being facetious, but I'm not going to re-work anything until next week.

Last night after worship team practice, we enjoyed a variety of desserts and I talked to the group about what I appreciated so much about each one of them. Three months ago when we decided that August 14th would be our last Sunday at the church we've been such a vested part of for many, many years, I thought that the last few practices and last few Sundays would be heartbreaking. I prayed that is wouldn't be.

God has answered that prayer.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last six weeks or so...Melody has chosen all of my favorites, Kristie has smiled in spite of the tears, Jodi is making progress on learning the piano duties, Darren has not cried (I'm impressed!) and he set up a fan for me, Donny has rocked the drums, and Phil has been able to make it a few times to rock the auxiliary percussion. Mel hasn't even been grouchy at me (you know how siblings can be)! Even at this dessert get-together, when I was sharing how important this group has been over the past six years or so, I was just filled with joy and peace. These people have given their talents to God because they love Him. These people love each other. These people want to see our church continue to grow.

After I was done yakking, the group gave me a card and gift. The gift was a frame with three picture openings, imprinted with this: "Friends...someone who knows the song in your HEART and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten it."

The top opening contains a picture of our group, and the bottom opening has a picture of me at the piano during a Trough evening.

But the middle spot took me by surprise. The emotion took me by surprise.

In the middle, Melody had placed an excerpt of my favorite contemporary Christian song:

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say,
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Immediately, my throat tensed up and tears came. They knew the reason that this song has been so important to me in the past six months. They knew enough to care to personalize a simple gift in such a meaningful way that it touched me to the core.

When I got home and showed Wayne the gift, I realized that the bottom picture of me preparing to play the piano contained something else. The music I was getting ready to play was "Blessed Be Your Name." For people who don't understand my love of music, this may seem like a coincidence. For me, it was a God moment.

And I knew that they would always be my friends as my family now turns to another God-given task.

I've been sharing some Bible study time this summer with a friend. At first, I was reluctant to make the commitment, but then I decided it was really something that I needed. Too often I'm asked--or I volunteer--to be the teacher. After several weeks of discussion, Bible reading, reflecting, and praying, I realize that it has been good for me to be the student.

Although our overall topic has been "peace," tonight I think we agreed what we're both working on in our lives: letting go of what we want or what we think is best and letting God be God.

That may sound easy to some people, but it's not for a recovering control freak.

Today at church we sang a song with the line, "May my lifesong sing to You" and it really choked me up. I really want my life to be in tune with God's plan, and I think I'm finally ready to accept what He has, even if I don't understand it all. And believe me, after being a Christian for the past 18 years, I do NOT have the answers. However, that acceptance, that willingness to allow God to work, is where peace can be found.

As I was logging in this morning, I saw that I have 14 followers.

Does that sound a little creepy to you? :)

"Following" is a mixed bag. Parents want their kids to follow directions, and we all sigh in relief when our kids do what other kids do...play at the park, participate in sports, obey the rules, and such. BUT, we also want our kids to think independently, to question the status quo, to stand against what the "world" says is acceptable or even desirable.

I am not always good at following God's lead. I want what I want when I want it.

There. I said it.

But you know, a lot has happened in our lives in the past six months. The only way we have survived is to follow God's lead. And the closeness of TRULY following God, letting Him have the wheel, has provided a peace we've not had in a long time.

A friend asked me this week if I have been happy in my career as a teacher.

At first, I was worried that I had been complaining too much about the job...but that's not the reason she asked.

She's a pharmacist. I'm a teacher. We've known each other for over 25 years. We've talked about everything there is to possibly talk about. I knew her question was a serious one.

I told her that, although I have days that try my soul (usually at the hands of state legislation or administrative issues more than anything else), I couldn't imagine having become anything else. I still work hard to see the "a ha" in a student's face, and I still love to see the improvement of all types of students. Even though I'm getting older, have a little less energy, and have a few (okay, a LOT) more gray hairs, I still look forward to school, still enjoy the students, and still love sharing their success in English/school/sports/life.

I could've become a pharmacist. In fact, in those first few years after college when my friend was making a lot more money than I was, I went through a period of regret about my career choice. As time has passed, though, I have realized that God had a plan for me, and North Newton Jr.-Sr. High School is where it's been happening.

k.

School is right around the corner.

So...where in the world is my energy?

I'm taking 5000% (that's really not hyperbole) of the B vitamins, but I still do not have the drive and desire to get back into the education saddle! There are so many new tasks and catch-up tasks to think about...so I think that maybe if I set aside a couple of hours a day to work on the "to do" list, maybe I can get into a groove.

When I was taking a shower, I accidentally bumped Kristen's razor off the ledge and onto the bottom of the tub. I bent over, picked up the razor, and returned it to its spot.

Then I realized: I hadn't moved like that, pain free, in almost three weeks.

Pain has an amazing ability to get our attention. Suddenly we're willing to do what the doctor tells us, we're willing to listen, we're praying for the pain to subside.

But what happens when the pain subsides or disappears?

It's easy to go back to life as usual, isn't it?

Today, though, I tried to appreciate all the things I could do that I couldn't before...bending to pick something up, getting in and out of chairs with ease, sitting on the porch swing, bending over the sink to work with fresh produce. It was good to think about the positives.

Kristen got a few more things for college today--all of the products-that-you-need-that-you-don't-think-about-until-you-realize-you're-going-to-be-gone-a-long-time kind of products. You know, first aid supplies, detergent, spot remover, sunscreen, and such.

She also has purchased a purple leather (that is SO Kristen) NIV Bible to carry in her backpack.

When I went to college, I thought it was an opportunity to take a break from God and all the things my family made me do in church. I could finally sleep in on Sundays. Ironically, God had other plans allllll the way back then. I was blessed with a roommate who didn't just talk the talk, but walked the walk. Our first day, she asked if I wanted to go church exploring with her, and that led to a friendship we've had for nearly 30 years...and it kept me focused on God in college.

Kristen already is more connected to campus ministry than I ever was--I'm so happy for all the opportunities that the University of Indianapolis can offer her!

It's interesting...how many times have you KNOWN you should do something but said you just didn't have the time? Was it really because you didn't have the time? Did you just not see it as a priority?

Of course, there's no reason for me to use second person. I've done it a million times, so I should have used first person.

Yesterday, Ryan told us he wanted a new bike. I told him that as soon as he learned to tie his own shoes that we would look for a bike. Part of Ryan's special needs makes small motor skills more difficult, and he has put this childhood task off saying "It's too hard." Picking and choosing my battles, I haven't pushed until now.

He tried to negotiate. Mom won. We would look for a bike when he could complete the task.

So do you know what that booger did? He scrunched up his face, worked as hard as he could, asked us to remind him of the steps...he was bound and determined to figure it out in 5 minutes. He did get partway through and teared up because he started having problems. He told me that he was mad, that he wasn't going to go to school, that he WAS going to school but Dad could tie his shoes everyday, and why did he have to learn THIS?

I'm confident that he'll have this down in a just a few days because now it's a priority. Now he wants to complete the task so that he can get a new bike. What is my priority? What have I put off because it was too hard? What did I ignore because it wasn't important to me at the time?

When I would take high schoolers to Senior High Institute (church camp), I was always asked to "do something." Most of the time I led a peer response group because when the organizers heard I was a teacher, they thought that was the natural place for me. We would debrief whatever the keynoter had to say, discuss Biblical questions the kids had, and play some games.

Campers also chose an elective class to take...topics like euchre, chalk art, and ultimate frisbee were popular. One year Wayne went with me to camp, and we had to figure out if he would lead one of these elective classes. People were free to offer new ideas for groups, so Wayne came up with "Front Porch Sittin'."

His idea wasn't chosen.

BUT, it was a great idea.

Our cabin had a big cement stoop that was large enough to accommodate a lot of lawn chairs. We'd sit out there in the cool of the evening and talk, laugh, sing...whatever. It became such a popular thing to do that our campers could be seen on the front porch at just about any time of day or night.

There is genius in front porch sittin'. Not only do you sit, but you think, reflect, share...whatever is best for the situation. You are forced to slow down, to watch the nature around you, and to interact with the others who are also front porch sittin'.

Our front porch at home has a traditional wooden 2-seater swing. Lately, Wayne and I have been front porch sittin'. Sometimes together. Sometimes alone. It's been a welcome respite to the tv, computer, and house chores. Now if I could just convince the school to install a swing (okay, AND a front porch) outside my room, I think I'd be much more relaxed...

I've had a couple of people ask me how I've been able to handle the big changes in our lives.

The first thing that comes to mind is, "Am I really handling it?" I mean, I have used a lot of kleenex in the past couple of months...someone asked me once if I was being bothered by allergies when I had to admit that no, I'd been crying.

I can explain this only by going back and telling you that whenever I wondered if God wanted me to do something different or what the timing should be on specific actions, I would ask for a billboard-- a big fat sign to tell me what to do and when. I can't say that the billboard concept has been very effective for me, but that's what my prayers would include...make it clear to me, God.

This week, God didn't use a billboard. He was a very presence at my elbow, whispering and pointing to what I needed to know and what I needed to do. Nothing complicated. No James Earl Jones voice. Just a whisper on the breeze. With that presence came the realization that these changes aren't just Wayne's that I will support. These changes include me; I have a specific role to play. It's a family calling, and I recognize that now.

Why don't I fight it and do what I want? Hey, I've done that before. The results are always disastrous. I'm not into any additional crisis in my life, thank you very much.

I think I'm going to stop praying for billboards and begin praying for my eyes to be open to God's presence next to me. Hopefully, I won't go through as much kleenex..

My pastor asked me if I had seen any of the episodes of "Extreme Chef" on Food Network. I had to admit that I had.

I have to wonder who's crazier...the chefs for agreeing to cook under the crazy conditions that the producers create...or me for actually watching it.

So many people are looking for the next show, artist, or fad that pushes all the envelopes. Something to turn people's heads. Something that others haven't seen before.

But all they have to do is look at the life of Jesus and to emulate him. Loving people unconditionally? Offering hope and life to others when the world would push us to the edge of our limits physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially? Jesus pushed the envelope and turned people's heads. If people were to strive to be more like him, that would be pretty extreme!

I've had a very busy three weeks since school let out. Kristen's graduation, her open house, a graduate class, a wedding, a church dinner...and now, let it be proclaimed on July 5th of 2011, my summer can begin.

The problem with that is that growing up in a family (extended) of many teachers, we tended to view July 4th as the halfway point--that it was time to start thinking about school, lesson plans, changes to be made, and so on. Of course, we got out of school the week before Memorial Day back then and now I'm lucky if I'm out before the second week of June...

Sooooo, I've had to adjust my thinking. We're going on a short vacation in two weeks. I'm going to do family and house things until then and worry about school on July 25th. Often, I do not adjust very well to ... adjustments. I like things the way they are and don't always see the benefit(s) of change. However, someone has been working on me about that...

k.

The last day of school is finally over. What a long (hot) haul the last two weeks have been!

Unfortunately, I still need to come back tomorrow to finish up some tasks. However, I am glad to say this school year is over! We have a lot of new challenges coming in the fall with the new national Common Core Standards, but at least I've figured out a basic curriculum and can now let go and enjoy the summer!

I was blessed with two sets of "words" today.

One set was actually a set of papers--Teacher of the Year nominations from anonymous students. The part that was so rewarding was that they felt that I respected and cared for them...and that I was willing to take time with anyone who didn't understand. That's the way I've looked at my career, but I'll be honest. There are days that I have to bite my tongue and kick my backside in order to not let the sarcasm--a terrible vice--bubble to the surface. I revert to sarcasm when I feel there's nothing positive that can be said, but I guess this stack of papers reveals to me that kids are watching, are getting something out of my class. I've vowed to reduce the sarcasm next year and to just do what God made me to do: reach and teach.

The other set of words today came in the form of an email. It's no secret to our friends that our lives our changing. Wayne is changing professions, and that has meant trying to cope with -- ahem--I mean, welcome-- other subsequent changes. This friend said exactly what I was feeling, what I was hoping someone would say. She was right--God's plans are perfect, but not painless.

At graduation on Sunday, I heard the quote attributed to Dr. Seuss: "Don't be sad it's over. Be glad it happened." I'm starting to view our changes in that light, but it's still hard.

k.

No one understood Forrest Gump.

Most people thought they were smarter. Better. At everything. Few got to know him personally and how much he had to offer.

But the more I watch that movie, the more I realize that Forrest Gump looks a lot like Jesus. The unconditional love...the willingness to sacrifice and do what was necessary in a particular time and place...to speak up when it would've been easier to be quiet.

And when we realize that we do need someone--someone to stand by us no matter what--someone to forgive the mistakes we've made--someone to accept us--we want a Forrest Gump. We want Jesus.

The character of Jenny is a wild one. I can't say that I ever came close to all those antics, but I have made mistakes, been selfish, attempted to control my destiny. The world will lead us right to the ledge and almost dare us to jump off. The world is in total opposition to what God wants...we have to ask if we're truly going to follow the One who will lead us to hope and peace or if we're going to let the world dictate everything we do and lead us to more vices than I care to list.

Right now it's funny to think that about 30 years ago, I went on the famous "Cover Trip" to Washington, DC. Kristen went five years ago; Nick is on his way now. Mom asked me yesterday what I remembered from the trip, and although my memory has faded, I still remember the tours, monuments, and museums. I remember having homework at night and being scared to death about a debate we had with other touring students. Most of all, I remember that I wanted to be a politician "when I grew up."

Before anyone laughs about that, just remember what politicians are voted into office to do--to change the world.

It reminds me of the movie Evan Almighty. Evan Baxter wanted to change the world, too. He did...once he listened to God.

I wonder how I will change my little corner of the world tomorrow?

k.

I have been blessed this week with an amazing number of texts, calls, cards, emails, and FB messages...I have been as overwhelmed today with support as I was with grief a few days ago. I know that it's really easy to become busy just living your own life, but what a blessing to others you can be by just sending a card, a message, a text.

Words are so powerful.

For those who have used words, both verbal and written, to hurt my family...I have forgiven and have prayed for you today. For those who have used words to heal my raw soul, I thank you.

k.

To expound on the previous blog...You know, I've realized that for a good portion of my life (maybe all of it), God really hasn't asked me to do anything hard. No huge sacrifices being asked of me, no real issues beyond the typical range of emotion. A loving spouse, great kids, jobs to put food on the table...

Or maybe He has asked me to sacrifice, and I just didn't realize it.

Or mabye He has asked me to sacrifice, and I just ignored it.

It's easy to say "God is in control" or "Let go and let God," but it is much more difficult to actually live out...especially for a recovering control freak like me.

k.

Our lives have totally changed.

I have been slow to process it all, but know this: God is in control. It has taken me 4 months to feel it, believe it...even though I've said it for years and years.

k.